Guests

Drooga - Music & Lyrics (4), Breaking & Entering, Knocked Up (4), Fracture (4.5), Zodiac (4), Premonition, The Ex (10), Eastern Promises (6), Perfect Stranger (5.5), Across Universe, Savages, The # 23, Once

Dammit Epps - Knocked Up (1), Ocean's 13 (3), The Ten (2), Sweeny Todd (3)
 

Clown review by Xavier!

The only logical reasons anyone could possibly like this movie:

1. You’re retarded.
2. This is the first movie you’ve ever seen.
3. You’re a shill for Cage or the production companies
4. You’re a retarded, crippled monkey
5. You are Clowntown and you want to make fun of Nic Cage.

I seriously do not know how this movie got made. I understand that Cage had a hand in producing this thing, which explains how Jessica Biel became his onscreen love interest. But how did this screenplay make it past the first reader? This might be the worst script ever to hit the theatres. Apparently young screenwriters simply need to write an adaptation of a Philip Dick novel/story and *poof* you’ll get optioned.

Biel, to her credit, out acted Cage and falling star Julianne Moore. However, this isn’t saying much as a decapitated goat could do the same. Cage uses this vehicle to show off his inability to emote (with or without words) and his uncanny knack of failing to assume the personality of his character. Moore, on the other hand, phones it in to the worst of her ability. She needs to hire a new agent after this recent string of Clown bombs: The Forgotten, Freedomland, Laws Of Attraction.

Of course, the movie is just a one-trick pony for Cage to look stupid. Whether it’s seeing ahead of the game to avoid hitting a train or dodging bullet after bullet (or the occasional tumbling CGI log) or pining after his destiny girl, Cage is clearly at the bottom of his game. Much to my delight. There are several laugh-out-loud moments that make this movie worth your time and that clearly confuse the dullards. “Why dem guys laughin’?”

As for the plot and such, do you really care? Well again, there are Eastern Europeans and British bad guys who are bent on destroying the world for unexplained reasons. This time they appear to be planting a nuclear bomb somewhere in downtown LA. And can someone tell me what my agency plans on doing about this?!?! Apparently chase a magician who can see the future. There’s your plot. Enjoy.

But on a more serious note: the continued implantation of unrealistic terrorists in recent movies must be addressed. Why do we never see Middle Eastern types trying to kill Americans? Why is it always Boris and Natasha from some balkanized state with the token rich British dude? Hey Hollywood, we are adults. We can handle “real” bad guys. And don’t be afraid of offending the “real” terrorists. They already want to kill us!

I give this movie 10 Clowns, however it could never truly rival the greats like Face/Off, Con-Air, or Battlefield Earth. In movies like these the Top Clown has an equal adversary. Cage vs Travolta. Cage vs. Malklovich or Travolta vs. Manimals. In this movie Cage swallows the screen, like some sort of Super Nova Clown. All you see is Cage trying his best to be an actor, exploding into a great ball of hot white light and before your eyes die, for a fleeting second, you think you see the exhumed body of Peter Falk, but then you wave your arm and say, “Nah, he died years ago.”

Clown review by Ghimraab

There is a word for Next, and that is…”Next!” At least someone should have said that after reading the script. But when Nicolas Cage is in charge, apparently a script doesn’t matter. After years of ripping this UberClown for his hideous acting, it is just more and more evident that he is dumber then he is Clowny. Apparently in his arrogance, he thought that this movie would succeed because of him. Without going into details, (for only MENSA members would be able to follow) the movie is not only unbelievable; it didn’t even happen in the imaginary world it is already in. The fact that it went on so long in the imaginary violates the entire stupid premise that the film asked the viewers to believe in the first place. Even in the land of make believe of make believe; the good guys still cannot die. It essentially makes us ask, “Who cares?” twice. The answer to that question is a definitive “nobody” the first time; the second time causes me to want my money back, and then some.

In the mean time, Jessica Biel out-acts Nicolas Cage (obviously I suppose, but then how do we explain ‘Adaptation?’) and Julianne Moore, who is the Hollywood version of a combo platter of Mo Vaughn/Carlos Baerga in their NY Mets days. Start looking for a suitable exercise infomercial Julie! We learn that once again failed Russian rock bands make terrible terrorists and assassins. We learn that the FBI, even when they know they are being watched by people they are looking for, cannot find these people, Further, one can assume that they continue to seek out options of locating them in places that they are not, when if they just look around with binoculars they’d probably find the Russian Rockers, and the whole thing would be over.

This movie is hideous, and worse yet is it didn’t offer the continuous clown appeal that we get from Face/Off and other “great” Nic Cage efforts. 10 disappointing clowns.

Luckily, “The Host” and “Hot Fuzz” offered much more positive entertainment.
Having no idea what either film was about, they both proved to be worthwhile entertainment. The Host is an odd mix of horror, sci-fi and comedy, adding moments of humor where American studios would never dare. Adding several moments of bad luck at the seemingly most inopportune times, the film clearly defined itself outside of the typical horror/sci-fi model.

Hot Fuzz does a similar effort in differentiating itself from most Hollywood comedies. No scene, line or prop seems to be wasted here, as everything seen or mentioned comes into play in furthering the plot. I will most certainly nominate Timothy Dalton for a Best Supporting role, and perhaps even the script as well. 2.5 Clowns for The Host, and 1.75 Clowns for Hot Fuzz.

3 Clowns

1. Have obnoxious camera shots that are shakier than crack head in rehab.
2. Have awful lines such as: “People, I need eyeballs on the street” and “Code Ten! Abort!” repeated over and over and over again.
3. Have your unbuckled lead “grab” on to his seat-belt in order to escape easily from a car-crash where apparently everyone else dies and causes uproarious laughter from the audience.
4. Have your lead escape a locked room in the basement by jumping through a window.
5. Cast David Strathairn (who incidentally attended Clown school) and feed him stupid lines. He’ll read them with such importance – because I am an actor! (No – you are Clown).