Clowntown Film Reviews

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  Rating system
0 Clowns: Near perfection, possibly one of the greatest of all time.
5  Slightly enjoyable, fallible film or at least watch-able.
10 Clowns: One of the worst pieces of garbage ever to be put on film.

2004 Clowntown Film Reviews



 



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Movie

Average

Guest

Ghimraab

Xavier!

Jay Goo

Longshanks

There Will Be Blood 1.00 1.5 .5 1 - 1
No Country For Old Men 1.25 - 1 1.25 - 1.5
Hot Fuzz 2.13 - 1.75 2.5 - -
Juno 2.13 2 2 2 - 2.5
The Host 2.25 - 2.5 2 - -
28 Weeks Later 3.25 - - - 2 4.5
Atonement 2.50 2.5 - - - 2.5
The Ten 2.50 2 - 3 - -
3:10 To Yuma 2.52 - 1.5 3.10 - 3
Zodiac 2.63 4 1.75 1.75 - 3
Knocked Up 2.75 4, 1 - 3 - 3
300 2.75 1.75 2.75 4.25 2.5 2.5
Gone Baby Gone 2.75 - - 2.75 - -
American Gangster 2.83 2.75 - 3 - 2.75
La Vie En Rose 3.00 - - - - 3.00
Transformers 3.00 - - 3 3 3
28 Weeks Later 3.25 - - - 2 4.5
1408 3.44 1, 5 - 3.5 - 4.25
Once 3.50 3.5 - - - 3.5
Jesse James 3.50 - 4 3 - -
Breach 3.50 - 4 3 - -
The Savages 3.50 3.5 - - - 3.5
The Lookout 3.50 - - 3.5 - -
Blades of Glory 3.75 - 3.5 4 - -
Michael Clayton 3.83 5 - 2.5 - 4
The Simpsons 4.00 - - 5 3.5 3.5
Away From her 4.00 4 - - - 4
Spiderman 3 4.00 - - - - 4
Music & Lyrics 4.25 4 - - - 4.50
Eastern Promises 4.38 6 4 3.5 - 4
Fracture 4.75 4.5 - 4.75 - 5
30 Days Of Night 5.00 - - 5 - -
Charlie Wilson's War 5.00 - - 5 - -
Smokin' Aces 5.00 - - 5 - -
A Mighty Heart 5.00 - - - - 5
Disturbia 5.00 - - 5 - -
Sweeny Todd 5.50 3 - 8 - -
The Hoax 5.50 - - 5.5 - -
Ocean's 13 5.50 3 - 8 - -
I Am Legend 5.63 - 4 7.5 5 6
Harry Potter & Some Blasted Thing 6.00 6 - - - 6
The Number 23 6.00 6 - - - 6
Breaking & Entering 6.00 6 - - - 6
Pathfinder 6.00 - - - - 6
The Bourne Ultimatum 6.88 7 7 8.5 - 5
Shrek The Third 7.00 - - - - 7
Across The Universe 7.00 7 - - - 7
The Last Legion 7.00 - - - - 7
Alpha Dog 7.00 - - 7 - -
Reign Over Me 7.00 - - 7 - -
Premonition 7.17 7 - 7.5 - 7
Perfect Stranger 7.50 5.5 - 9.5 - -
Catch & Release 8.00 - - 8 - -
Lions For Lambs 8.00 - - - - 8
Pirates of the Caribbean III 8.00 - - - - 8
The Mist 8.25 9 - 7.5 - -
Hostel II 8.50 - - - - 8.5
National Treasure: Book of Clowns 8.75 - - 8.5 - 9
The Messengers 9.00 - - 9 - -
Wild Hogs 9.50   9.5      
Reno 911: Miami 9.50 - - 9.5 - -
Next 9.83 - 10 10 - 9.5
The Ex 9.75 10 - 9.5 - -
Ghost Rider 10.00 10 10 10 10 10
Into The Wild 10.00 - 10 10 - -

Guests


Faxface -  300 (1.75), Ghost Rider (10)

Drooga - Music & Lyrics (4), Breaking & Entering, Knocked Up (4), Fracture (4.5), Zodiac (4), Premonition, The Ex (10), Eastern Promises (6), Perfect Stranger (5.5), Across Universe, Savages, The # 23, Once

Dammit Epps - Knocked Up (1), Ocean's 13 (3), The Ten (2), Sweeny Todd (3)
 

1


NEXT

Clown review by Xavier!

The only logical reasons anyone could possibly like this movie:

1. You’re retarded.
2. This is the first movie you’ve ever seen.
3. You’re a shill for Cage or the production companies
4. You’re a retarded, crippled monkey
5. You are Clowntown and you want to make fun of Nic Cage.

I seriously do not know how this movie got made. I understand that Cage had a hand in producing this thing, which explains how Jessica Biel became his onscreen love interest. But how did this screenplay make it past the first reader? This might be the worst script ever to hit the theatres. Apparently young screenwriters simply need to write an adaptation of a Philip Dick novel/story and *poof* you’ll get optioned.

Biel, to her credit, out acted Cage and falling star Julianne Moore. However, this isn’t saying much as a decapitated goat could do the same. Cage uses this vehicle to show off his inability to emote (with or without words) and his uncanny knack of failing to assume the personality of his character. Moore, on the other hand, phones it in to the worst of her ability. She needs to hire a new agent after this recent string of Clown bombs: The Forgotten, Freedomland, Laws Of Attraction.

Of course, the movie is just a one-trick pony for Cage to look stupid. Whether it’s seeing ahead of the game to avoid hitting a train or dodging bullet after bullet (or the occasional tumbling CGI log) or pining after his destiny girl, Cage is clearly at the bottom of his game. Much to my delight. There are several laugh-out-loud moments that make this movie worth your time and that clearly confuse the dullards. “Why dem guys laughin’?”

As for the plot and such, do you really care? Well again, there are Eastern Europeans and British bad guys who are bent on destroying the world for unexplained reasons. This time they appear to be planting a nuclear bomb somewhere in downtown LA. And can someone tell me what my agency plans on doing about this?!?! Apparently chase a magician who can see the future. There’s your plot. Enjoy.

But on a more serious note: the continued implantation of unrealistic terrorists in recent movies must be addressed. Why do we never see Middle Eastern types trying to kill Americans? Why is it always Boris and Natasha from some balkanized state with the token rich British dude? Hey Hollywood, we are adults. We can handle “real” bad guys. And don’t be afraid of offending the “real” terrorists. They already want to kill us!

I give this movie 10 Clowns, however it could never truly rival the greats like Face/Off, Con-Air, or Battlefield Earth. In movies like these the Top Clown has an equal adversary. Cage vs Travolta. Cage vs. Malklovich or Travolta vs. Manimals. In this movie Cage swallows the screen, like some sort of Super Nova Clown. All you see is Cage trying his best to be an actor, exploding into a great ball of hot white light and before your eyes die, for a fleeting second, you think you see the exhumed body of Peter Falk, but then you wave your arm and say, “Nah, he died years ago.”

Clown review by Ghimraab

There is a word for Next, and that is…”Next!” At least someone should have said that after reading the script. But when Nicolas Cage is in charge, apparently a script doesn’t matter. After years of ripping this UberClown for his hideous acting, it is just more and more evident that he is dumber then he is Clowny. Apparently in his arrogance, he thought that this movie would succeed because of him. Without going into details, (for only MENSA members would be able to follow) the movie is not only unbelievable; it didn’t even happen in the imaginary world it is already in. The fact that it went on so long in the imaginary violates the entire stupid premise that the film asked the viewers to believe in the first place. Even in the land of make believe of make believe; the good guys still cannot die. It essentially makes us ask, “Who cares?” twice. The answer to that question is a definitive “nobody” the first time; the second time causes me to want my money back, and then some.

In the mean time, Jessica Biel out-acts Nicolas Cage (obviously I suppose, but then how do we explain ‘Adaptation?’) and Julianne Moore, who is the Hollywood version of a combo platter of Mo Vaughn/Carlos Baerga in their NY Mets days. Start looking for a suitable exercise infomercial Julie! We learn that once again failed Russian rock bands make terrible terrorists and assassins. We learn that the FBI, even when they know they are being watched by people they are looking for, cannot find these people, Further, one can assume that they continue to seek out options of locating them in places that they are not, when if they just look around with binoculars they’d probably find the Russian Rockers, and the whole thing would be over.

This movie is hideous, and worse yet is it didn’t offer the continuous clown appeal that we get from Face/Off and other “great” Nic Cage efforts. 10 disappointing clowns.

Luckily, “
The Host” and “Hot Fuzz” offered much more positive entertainment.
Having no idea what either film was about, they both proved to be worthwhile entertainment. The Host is an odd mix of horror, sci-fi and comedy, adding moments of humor where American studios would never dare. Adding several moments of bad luck at the seemingly most inopportune times, the film clearly defined itself outside of the typical horror/sci-fi model.

Hot Fuzz does a similar effort in differentiating itself from most Hollywood comedies. No scene, line or prop seems to be wasted here, as everything seen or mentioned comes into play in furthering the plot. I will most certainly nominate Timothy Dalton for a Best Supporting role, and perhaps even the script as well. 2.5 Clowns for The Host, and 1.75 Clowns for Hot Fuzz.

 
Ocean's 13
by Xavier

 
A smug and boring movie about a bunch of really, really rich guys stealing from really, really, really, really rich guys. Not to mention the resources and contacts of the former must be obscenely deep as they apparently can bore holes into the Las Vegas strip without anyone noticing and they can subsequently cause earthquakes in localized areas of said Sin City without causing earthquakes in other areas. They must have G-d or Satan on their payroll, too. I'm going with Mr. Pitchfork.
My question is this: if you're going to make a movie with a bunch of mega-stars, all the while mocking the viewing audience, so you can fund your coffers so you may make movies even more smug and more boring to voice your obnoxious political beliefs (Good Luck, and Good Night) - why not just do something light and fun like the Cannonball Run? At least the actors can drink while filming. It could be a great comeback vehicle for Lindsay Lohan.
Anyway, these psuedo-caper films are old-hat for me. I give it:
8 Clowns
 
Despite Michael Bay's best efforts, he could not destroy Transformers. Many instances of poor acting, awful dialouge, and Bay's over-the-top shots of military jets readying for launch weigh down the 2 1/2 hour flick, but Shia LeBouf and John Turturro still shine in this faithful rendition of the classic 80's cartoon. In fact, had Bay been able to allow the blockbuster machine to transform into a real movie (ie, allow for an R rating) you could be whispering Oscar. Because it has that type of potential behind the surface. But, that could never be a reality as Bay believes Nicolas Cage is starring in every film. His obnoxious need for noise, banally loud music, and explosions over shadows the great conflicts that exist below. The relationship of man and machine is touched upon, but should be in the forefront not in the background. Still, Turturro stole every scene he was in and LeBouf is a versitle actor that can carry a film. There was a surprising amount of intentional comedy, including scenes with the Autbots. All in all, it was an uneven mix of cheese and crown, but overall well worth the time. And wonderfully so, the end was specifically designed for a sequal.

3 Clowns

 
Technically there are spoliers in this review, but the are probably pretty obvious to all.
 
 
“Code 10! Abort!”
 
The Super Man Complex rears its ugly head again in the third installment of the Jason Bourne story. The first two wove together action, story and dialogue with much success. However, The Bourne Ultimatum is an absolute failure.
 
The most glaring problem is the fact that Jason Bourne will not die. You know he can’t and you therefore know he won’t. When the “assets” (known in the real world as “assassins” or “hit-men”) are employed with “terminating” the “target” (killing the guy), you’re 99.999999% sure they’re going to fail. Hence, Bourne is Super Man.
 
Now, this can be done in an entertaining and effective manner. In The Transporter, Jason Strahan plays Frank Martin, a man that wants to leave his old life behind and live in peace. Like Bourne, he wants to be alone and not be bothered, but trouble finds him or he finds trouble and the action ensues. Now, you know in this film that Frank Martin will not die, but with a wink and a smile from Strahan and you understand that it’s all for fun.
 
In Bourne, they seek something more profound. But the Super Man complex lingers – how do you make a profound movie when the audience understands the man character will survive everything you throw at him?
 
Many of the new superhero comic book movies struggle with this same concept. Spider-Man has been arguably the most successful, because it shows Peter Parker’s “other” life with such aplomb. In Bourne, the lead simply wants to know who he once was and kill those that made him who he is today. When your movie consists of such one-dimensional characters and storylines, ultimately you will fail.
 
So, how does one succeed? Well, I can tell you how not to do it:
 
  1. Have obnoxious camera shots that are shakier than crack head in rehab.
  2. Have awful lines such as: “People, I need eyeballs on the street” and “Code Ten! Abort!” repeated over and over and over again.
  3. Have your unbuckled lead “grab” on to his seat-belt in order to escape easily from a car-crash where apparently everyone else dies and causes uproarious laughter from the audience.
  4. Have your lead escape a locked room in the basement by jumping through a window.
  5. Cast David Strathairn (who incidentally attended Clown school) and feed him stupid lines. He’ll read them with such importance – because I am an actor! (No – you are Clown).
 
In the end, these summer action movies are what they are. One-dimensional popcorn flicks. And there is nothing wrong with that. The above Transporter is one of my favorite films of all time. But honestly, there’s nothing profound or subtle about that film. After watching this film, with it’s “docu-drama” filming, the pretentious Strathaim hamming up the screen, and the Super Man Jason Bourne avoiding death at every corner, I came away nauseous and insulted. Know what you are or know how to get where you want to go. This film failed on both counts.
 
The Clown Ultimatum – 8.5 Clowns
 
From Xavier:
No question the worst movie overlooked for 2007: Into The Wild directed by Sean Penn.
 
What a miserable, pretentious film. Emile Hirsch did well at the end, but his mugging and smugging wanted to make me barf. The so-called insight that his real-life character supposedly found at the end could have been found in a weekend camping trip. The fact that he was so wrapped up in himself and the words of others destroyed any chance of actual self examination. Only until he starved himself of his own selfishness did he then realize what happiness could be. A Clown film for the Clowns, which explains why so many found it deep.
 
Also, if you're going into the wild, living in an abandoned bus does not qualify as going into the wild.
 
Response from Ghimraab:
Completely agree about Wild. Having read the book first, I could see the complexity of the character and the difficult nature of presenting the material in movie form. Penn did worse that I thought he would by going with stereotypes. The kid was without a doubt selfish and oblivious to the fact that his "problems" are everyones problems so it does not make him special. The book does an excellent job by the fact that it is quite critical of his actions and some of his motives. So it is easier to accept when the book champions his positives. I'd suggest to anyone to read the book and skip the movie- it was a terrible effort.
 

10 clowns

 

 

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