Handicapping the Clownies 2009
A year full of crappy films. Thank you Hollywood. Due to the overall shit nature of the movies, I’m guessing this handicapping sheet will be a short one. Glad to see that Clowntown didn’t parade the same trash that Hollywood felt obliged to honor.
The Dark Knight - Clowntown has a history of rewarding long, sweeping epics, but Clowntown also respects the coin. This movie has both going for it and will be tough to beat. Add in the “shoulda been nominated for an Oscar angle” and you have the clear leader. A shocker if this loses: Odds: 1-5
The Retarded Cousins:
Tropic Thunder - Goes to show you why so many horrible movies get made. Apparently Ben Stiller wanted to make this film for over 15 years, but couldn’t get the financial backing. Yet, Confessions of a Whored Out Skank comes out every other week. When Stiller is behind the camera he’s usually right on (The Cable Guy, Zoolander) and this movie is a gem. A lot of Stiller’s comedic moments certainly m-m-m-m-made me happy. Odds: 8-1
Gran Torino – Not Eastwood’s best, but it still stood out amongst the pack. Despite his continued liberal guilt about white man/violence/guns a message to America is sent: it’s time to man up and take action. Personally, I’ll pass, but its good advice for others. Odds: 10-1
WALL-E – With all due respect to the other films and “Oscar” films that I haven’t seen, this was the best movie of the year. Now I usually don’t get too bent out of shape from Pixar’s stuff, this one stands out. Odds: 15-1
Revolutionary Road – Didn’t this come out five years ago? Odds: 55-1
Left Out of the Race –
Slumdog Millionaire – Can someone explain to me what the fuss was all about? Cut out the cheeseball ending? (which is pretty similar to the ending of Petition to Love, by the way, sans pen and even cheesier dialogue)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Without my harsh reviews it may have wound up in the top five. One of the most boring films I’ve seen in a long time.
American Recovery and Reinvestment Act – Bloated and too expensive.
Frost/Nixon – If you came to O-Town you might have been nominated and would have at least $50.00 and some pocket lint in your coffers.
Milk – Looks okay, but Sean Penn didn’t go “full gay” did he? Nobody goes full gay! (PLEASE SEE TROPIC THUNDER FOR REFERENCE)
The Reader – Are you? Reaallllllllllllllllyyyy? (no reference)
The Wrestler – Solid film, but ultimately forgettable.
Crash – Over the years I believe it’s safe to say that this movie still sucks monkey balls. (please see your toilet for reference)
Christopher Nolan – The Dark Knight – Took an entrenched product and brought to a whole new level. Made every other comic book movie look like amateur hour. Odds: 2-1.
Ben Stiller – Tropic Thunder – Stiller is actually pretty adept from behind the screen. He juxtaposes subtle jabs with over-the-top buffoonery and makes it work. I’d like to see him direct more films. Odds: 3.5 - 1
Dark Horse –
Andrew Stanton – WALL-E – He got the most out of WALL-E. He would have stunk under any other directors. Or so he said in Robots Stage & Screen, November edition. Odds: 11-1
Sam Mendes – Revolutionary Road – I liked it better when it was called American Beauty. Odds: 27-1
Darren Aronofsky – The Wrestler --- He was able to peel the onion on the characters in this film, but he needed to show the bigger picture.. He’ll be back in this category again. Odds: 33-1
Best Actor –
The Step-Winner –
Barrack Obama – The United States – He’s dreamy, cool (see “fist pump”), and a great basketball player. Oh yeah, he brought us change and hope. Good job. Odds: 2-1
Will Farrell – Step Brothers - A favorite of Clowntown. Some people get him, some people don’t – those who don’t are morons. Just think of all the activities we could do with morons. Activities! Odds: 5-2
Clint Eastwood – Gran Torino – Kind of a snub in Oscar land. Some found the movie to be to after-school-special. It is true that the movie would have sucked without Eastwood. But that’s like saying the Cleveland Cavaliers without Lebron James. Clint was there and he made it a great movie. Odds: 3-1
Everyone Else –
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler – Playing a wrestler in a Christ parable can’t be easy. I can’t imagine any other actor pulling off this role. Odds: 10-1
Leonardo Dicaprio – Revolutionary Road – He looked solid in the trailer. Odds: 12-1
Gus Lampo – Frost/Nixon – Good luck and good bowling! Ha-ha! Free burnt popcorn for everyone. Odds: 300-1
Cooking Dinner –
Kate Winslet – Revolutionary Road – Didn’t see it. She was good in Titanic. Odds: 1-2
Meryl Streep – Overrated – Seriously, is there anyone who is more overrated than this person. Every fucking year – really? Odds: 2-1
Preparing Lunch –
Anne Hathaway – Rachel Getting Married – Didn’t see it. Odds: 9-1
Making Breakfast –
Catherine Keener – Schenectady, NY – Didn’t see it. Odds: 11-1
Melissa Leo – Frozen River – Didn’t see it. Odds: 13-1
Best Supporting Actor
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight – Delved too deep. A creepy and entertaining performance. Odds: 1-10
If You Offed Yourself You Might Have Had A Chance –
Robert Downey, Jr – Tropic Thunder – I’m the guy coming in second to the guy that’s gonna win but who’s already dead! Odds: 4-1
John C. Reilly – Step Brothers – His performance made me real sweaty and I wasn’t watching him on COPS. ODDS: 7-1
See You In the Clownies soon, I’m sure–
Tom Cruise – Tropic Thunder –His end credits dance was the best scene in film this year. But I’m sure your Alien leader will call you back to the dark side. And by alien leader I do mean Nicolas Cage. Odds: 17 – 1
Some Limey Brit – Forgetting Sarah Marshall – Funny chap! Odds: 100-1
Best Supporting Actress –
Marisa Tomei –The Wrestler – Note to actresses – you want to win awards? Play a whore/prostitute/stripper. Apparently it works. (Additional note: Rosie O’Donnell –please don’t heed advice in note number one). Odds: 2-1
Kate Winslet – The Reader– Odds that anyone continued to read this far other than Fred. 10000000700000-1. Odds: 9-3
You Gotta Play the Street Ho, Yo –
Penelope Cruz –Vicky Stacey Catalina Smith Barcelona Alona Bolgona. Odds:10-1
Tahara J. Benson – Benny Button – Sugar pie! Odds: 15-1
How The Hell Did She Get Nominated?
Ahney Her – Gran Torino – Were we trying to hit every continent? Odds: 9,054,325 - 1
Predictions for the rest –
Best Original Screenplay – Ben Stiller and Justin Thereoux – Tropic Thunder – I’m the guy, writing the words for the…oh forget it.
Best Adapted Screenplay – Christopher Nolan – The Dark Knight
Best Score – The Dark Knight – Can’t remember how it went.
Music Compilation – Forgetting Sarah Marshall – I doubt it, but that shit was hilarious.
Cinematography – Slumdog Millionaire – This is where we throw a bone to a solid, yet overly hyped movie.
Art Direction – Ben Button – Not so curious. See above.
Makeup – There Will Be Blood – Awl, I sad awl.
Costume – Iron Man – Who the fuck cares, bring on the Clownies!
Visual Effects – The Dark Knight - Creepy.
Sound – WALL-E – Clownies,clownies!
Casting – Tropic Thunder – Seriously – this film could have turned Cruise’s career around.
Film Editing – The Dark Knight – I like poop.
The Glave Award – The Transporter 3!!!!!! – This series is the epitome of Cheese! And speaking of cheese…
CLOWNIES ARE NOW UP
No Nicolas Cage trifecta, but still an overload of trash. Again, thank you Hollywood.
Michael Jackson’s Diseased Body –
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Nuclear bomb + refrigerator + half dead acting + Shia LaPoof + vine-swinging monkees + George Lucas = CLOWN. Odds: 2-1
Bangkok Dangerous – Clearly not the worst, but you can’t fight the flaming hot power of supernova Clown Nic Cage with his still-flaming skull. Odds: 3-1
Michael Jackson’s Stained E-bay Items –
The Happening – Is this really happening? Are my movies being nominated for the Clownies every year? Am I really a one-hit wonder? Odds: 7-1
You Don’t Mess With The Zohan – Well, it should have worked, but really fell flat. Can’t be too hard on Sandler for trying to go a little out there – wait, yes we can. Clown ass job Sandler. Odds: 7-1
Michael Jackson’s Family Fun & Tickle Room–
Righteous Kill – (Insert Robert DeNiro scrunching his brow, looking from side to side and hamming up the place) Odds: 15-1
Mirrors – Some of the best-worst one liners of the year. Sutherland is one-dimensional. Odds: 56-1
The Oneonta Bum’s Bleeding Toe Sticking Out Of His Yellowed Sock –
Indiana Jones and The Land Of the Lucas Clown Clone – Seriously, any creditability this movie had went out the door when Dr. Jones survived a nuclear explosion while hiding in a refrigerator. You waited how many years to make this? Pathetic. Odds: 3-1
The Hottie and the Nottie – Which one is Hilton supposed to be? Odds: 5-1
The Oneonta Bum’s Bleeding, Puss-filled Gum Line –
In The Name of the King – Owe Boll understands what it means to be Clown. His work really is some perverted type of art. I can’t wait until he teams up with Cage. Odds: 8-1
The Mummy – Roaring CGI Dragons – Not sure what dragons have to do with mummies, but I’m sure Brandon Fraser got it figured out. Odds: 10-1
The Love Guru – “Michael Myers: Funny in the ‘90s, Stupid Ever Since” next on A&E Biography. Odds: 12-1
The Oneonta Bum’s Grubby Fingernails –
88 Minutes – A real Clown gem. If you have no regard for your time and life you should check it out. The big question is who did a better job of acting : Pacino or Pacino’s hair? Find out for yourself:
WORST DIRECTOR –
FACE/OFF III: I Am Castor Oil– starring Nic Cage, John Travolta, and Burt Reynolds as “Special Detective Dirk Mansworth”
Steven Spielberg – Indiana Jones and The Amazing Frig - He got nothing out of the near comatose Harrison Ford, too much out of Shea Stadium, and inserted stupidity at every possible moment (see prairie dog) - Odds: 2-1
M. Night Shyamalan – Not Happening - Credits Roland Emmerich’s work in The Day After Tomorrow as his inspiration for this piece of junk. Yes, if you need to hide from “air”, just trap yourself in an abandoned shed. Odds: 3-1
Con-Air III – The Return of Pinball – starring Nic Cage, John Clownsack, and P Diddy as “Pin Diddy Daddy”
Uwe Boll– In The Name of the King – It’s called Lord of the Rings. It’s also called Cheese Boll. Odds: 6-1
Dennis Dugan – You Don’t Mess With Zohan - Zohan, you are a mess. Odds: 9-1
Snow Cops VIII – Winter Comes Early – starring Mia Hamm, Dean Cain, and Michael J. Fox as “Twitchy Magee”
Gregory Hoblit – Untraceable - Now if he actually put this film on the Internet and threatened to kill it – that would be a hit. Odds: 18-1
Jon Avnet – 88 Minutes – This piece of junk sat on the shelf for almost two years. Good work Avnet. Odds: 888.88-8
Nic Cage in Ghost Rider –
Harrison Ford – Indiana Jones and The Lost Cause – A phoned-in performance, from a half asleep old man. Please move on. Odds: 3-1
Nicolas Cage – Bangkok Dangerous – Not nearly as bad as some of his more recent performances, but you can’t count out the resident Clown King. I’m sure he’ll get more chances to impress: IMDB shows 11 upcoming projects for Cage in the next two years. Proof that God wants us to be happy. Odds: 3-1
Nicolas Cage In Face/Off –
Adam Sandler – Zohan - Fred McGriff: Struggggggling. Odds: 6-1
Mark Wahlberg – The Happening – Oh my God, this is really happening? I had a chance to potentially win an Oscar and I didn’t realize this would be a cheeseball, crap-ass movie. Odds: 8-1
John McCain – Presidenital Nominee – Nice try. Now unzip your skin and reveal the alien lifeform you really are. Odds: 9-1
Nicolas Cage in the Orpheus Production of Little Women -
Robert DeNiro – Righteous Kill – Please stop. Retire now so we can remember when you could actually act. Your horrible mugging is staining your reputation. Odds: 14-1
Matthew McCaughneny - Fools Gold – Really, he’s just a stoned beach bum having fun. Yes, his acting is bad, but I would do the same for the coin he’s making. Odds: 50-1
Re-Run – What’s Happening? – Unfortunately the trees killed him in M. Night’s thriller. Odds: 100-1
WORST ACTRESS –
J-Lo in Enough –
Paris Hilton – The Hottie and the Nottie – Whored out slut ho – Odds: 1-5
Paris Hilton in The Hottie and the Nottie –
Cate Blanchett – The Not So Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Never wanted a character to die more than the stupid old lady she played. Nails to a chalkboard is Mozart compared to her wavy, old Southern lady voice. Odds: 6-1
Diane Lane – Untraceable – Was this the life story of Steve Guttenberg? Odds: 7-1
Zoo Deschannel-Twelve – The Happening – Sometimes you actually should act like you want to act Zooey. Odds: 8-1
Robin Williams In House of D –
Kate Hudson – Fool’s Gold – She’s not gold, Jerry. She’s not gold! Odds: 15-1
Paula Patton – Mirrors – She’s a good actress…for me to poop on! Odds: 22-1
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR –
Being At Work Basically Every Day For The Next Thirty Years –
Shia LaBonBon – Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull of Shit – Apparently he’s the heir apparent to Ford. On one hand, it blows because he’ll tarnish the image of the original three. The good news is we’ll have someone to tool on ‘til the day we die. WE GONE! Odds: 1-2
Ray Liotta – In The Name of the King – He’s been taking lessons at the Cage Academy. He YELLED every OTHER WORD! Odds: 2-1
Monday Staring At Your Computer At Work –
Verne Troyer – The Love Guru - Your 15 millimeters are up. Time for you to scoot along now Skippy. Odds: 6-1
Brian Dennhey – Righteous Kill – He hammed up the screen, acting like he knew this “big secret”. Secret’s out bud – you blow. Odds: 9-1
Sunday Night Before Going Back To Work -
Burt Reynolds – In The Name of the King – Good to see the same names here year after year. Some calm in an otherwise tumultuous world. Odds: 18-1
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett – Indiana Jones and The Show of Support for Scientology – Name recognition and a raping of a storied trilogy will help her carry this award. Odds: 2.25-1
Small Talk With a Pseudo Friend While Waiting On Line At The Grocery Store –
Leelee Sobieski – In The Name of the King – Despite the fact that she’s a horrible actress with no talent, she’ll land a role as a stripper/whore/prostitute along side some Clown leading actor and will be nominated for an Oscar. If she gains 50 pounds and grows a beard she’ll be a shoo-in. Odds: 6-1
Leelee Sobieksi – 88 Minutes – Did I stutter? We’re in good company, the Razzies also nominated her for the same performances. Was she also nominated for the scene with the turtle under the “Most Bizarre Animal/Human Pairing Award”? Clowns. Razzies for Hall of Clowns. Odds: 6-1
Seeing Anyone At Any Time -
Kim Cummings – 88 Minutes – Who? Odds: 40-1
Thandie Newton – W. – W.ho? Odds: 40-1
TOP CLOWN –
Fat Women Wearing Flowery Perfume Trying To Hide The Fact They Hate The Way They Smell–
George Lucas – Keep your chin up George, you’ll always have Star Wars. What’s that, your chin is up? Odds: 2-1
Women Fast Walking With Their Styrofoam Coffee Cups Leading The Way –
M. Night Shyalamanlaman – Yes, we know, the wind can be very dangerous. Odds: 5-1
Al Pacino – Can I remind you of his hair?
Boy he looks happy. Cheer up Pacino, you’ll be dead soon. He’s Almost Gone! Odds: 6-1
Adam Sandler – Doesn’t have the overall garbage to win here, but big name equals good chance. Odds: 8-1
Mike Myers In Anything –
Mike Myers – Almost too pathetic to win. Just stop making these shitty movies. Odds: 10-1
Worst Screenplay – Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull Thing – Aliens? Really?
Worst Music – Milk – Orange juice.
Worst Editing – 88 Minutes – It was 88 minutes too long.
Worst Visuals – The Mummy Tomb of Emperor Dragon – Let me guess, there were a bunch of angry mummies stomping around and roaring? Let’s see:
Yep – I was right!