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Clowntown Proudly Presents….

 

Shit.

 

WORST PICTURE

 

Michael Jackson: The Child Molester -

 

 

Basic Instinct 2 – Sharon Stone + sequel + wrinkles = CLOWN. ODDS 2-1

 

Lady In The Water – M. Night  + imaginary creatures + fairy tale nobody’s ever heard of = CLOWN. Odds 2-1

 

Michael Jackson: The Human –

 

Annapolis – If this movie starred Nic Cage or John Travolting it would be a sure fire winner. James Franco is on his way to be the Next Big Clown, but he’s not there yet. Way to waste your life, you fucking moron. Odds: 6-1

 

 

Michael Jackson – The Has Been

 

Freedomland – Showcasing one of the worst acting jobs you’ll ever see, this movie is bad on many levels. Julianne Moore’s performance was beyond laughable and she found herself in the Worst Actress category for the first time. But the “white-cops-are-always-racist” angle along with the stupid psychobabble makes this one of the worst films in a long time. However, not as glamorous as the others. Odds: 12-1

 

Michael Jackson – Never, Never Come Back

 

All The King’s Men – While there’s nothing better than watching a pre-season Oscar favorite full of better-than-thou liberal shit-heads fall on its face, I would never recommend that anyone watch this bore fest. I won’t letchu! Odds: 22-1

 

Eragon – Lord Of The Rings’ stunt double couldn’t hack it. Nice try. Odds: 50-1

 

 

CLOWN FILM-

 

The Piece of Beef Jerky In The Oneonta Bum’s Unwashed Bellybutton  -

 

The Wicker Man – Nic Cage + plot unworthy for Star Trek + remake + bear suit = CLOWN. ODDS: 2-5

 

Annapolis – Military School Clichés + rising Clown + slow motion shadow boxing + striking your superior officer more than once and not getting kicked out of Annapolis = CLOWN. ODDS 2-1

 

The Corn Kernel That The Oneonta Bum Put In His Ear Three Weeks Ago For Safe Keeping –

 

Firewall -  Harrison Ford is at his best playing apple pie fighting the evil’s of the world. These are the movies he wants to make? What an original piece of shit he stars in here: mysterious European bent on stealing loads of money in the most complicated of ways, Ford uttering “Let me speak to my wife” (don’t forget to grit your teeth), the male lead’s son has a medical malady that is supposed to illicit tension, and a ridiculous fight to equate the climax. Nice work Space Clown. Odds: 5-1

 

 

Mission Impossible III – Can’t dismiss as it stars Tom Cruise, but it is possible that voters’ brains were melted by the non-stop action!!! in this vapid junk film. However, you can’t dismiss the Clown elements of this movie. Hop on for a Clown Ride! Odds: 10-1

 

The Ham Sandwich That The Bum Stashed In His Woman’s Booty -

 

Poseidon – Stick a bunch of name actors underwater without Gene Hackman? You can’t win. This movie is insanely racist, only the whities have the smarts and the guts to survive. Hope I didn’t ruin the movie for you. Another gem from Wolfgang Petersen. Odds: 22-1

 

Basic Instinct 2 – Yeah, I didn’t see it. Odds: 33-1

 

 

WORST DIRECTOR

 

John Woo Directs: Baghdad Bad, starring Nic Cage as President Brad Champion -

 

 

M. Night Shamalamamalam,  Lady In The Water – While M. Night is one of the better directors in the game today, he’s going to take a hit here because he’s the most well-known of the entries. And his one-trick pony writing skills also hamper his direction. Although he understands how to construct a movie, if the moviegoers can anticipate the movie based on what you’ve done before, you’re cooked. Plus he had to direct something called a “Scrunt.” Odds: 3-1

 

Nick LaBute, The Wicker Man – Well Nick had a big problem, he had to direct Nic. And he had to deal with a bear suit. And an isolated society. M.Night already tried that without Nic Cage in The Village, you think you could succeed with him? Odds: 4-1

 

 

John Woo Directs: WWIII, starring John Travolta as President Stetson Malone -

 

Wolfgang Petersen, Poison – This movie was awful, but it lacked some of the defining Clown moments that his true classics owned. Odds: 7-1

 

Justin Lin, Annapolis – Ever heard of this guy? Me neither, but in case you have forgotten what this movie was like, take a gander:

 

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0417433/Ss/0417433/36.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0417433

 

odds: 9-1

 

 

John Woo Directs Petition To War, starring Martin Sheen as President Smarmy McSmarm –

 

Michael Caton-Jones, Basic Instinct 2 – Seriously, when the entire attraction to the movie revolves around a 45+ year old woman crossing her legs, can you really have a shot? – Odds: 15-1

 

Joe Roth, Freedomland – This March bomb might be the worst movie of the year and much of blame falls squarely on this guy’s shoulders. But what do you expect from a guy who directed Christmas With The Kranks. He’s the Rich Kotite of directing. Odds: 22-1

 

Worst Actor –

 

Work On The Weekend-

Nic Cage, The Wicker Man – Do you realize that Cage has been nominated for Worst Actor just once!?!?!? It’s true, he hasn’t been nominated since 2003, the year he hit for the trifecta: Worst Actor, Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Director. So, does it really matter if he was any good in this flick? No. But he did don a bear suit. (And don’t fret – it looks like he’s got up to 10 movies coming out in 2007 and 2008!!!) Odds: 1-25.

 

Work After Five:

 

Keanu Reeves, The Lake House-

 

His third nomination, he will forever be the Susan Lucci of the Clownies. Bad enough to be nominated, but not bad enough to be worse than Cage or Travolta. Again, the age old question arises: if Keanu plays a cyborg, is he really acting? Odds: 15-1

 

Harrison Ford, Firewall –  I hope he doesn’t tarnish the image he’s concocted when  Indiana Jones IV comes out. It’s almost inevitable, however, as Ford has become a soft, American man-boy Space Clown.  My guess is he’ll have Indy apologize for all of the evils that white, heterosexual males have performed over the years and then he’ll curl into a little ball and cry for his momma. Odds: 18-1

 

Work –

 

Adam Sandler , Click – A horrid movie with a horrid performance from Sandler. This schmaltzy piece of junk was painful, but Sandler’s performance will be forgotten unless he’s on the road to Clown. By the looks of his latest movie, it appears he is:

 

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0490204/Ss/0490204/542.jpg.html?path=gallery&path_key=0490204

 

Odds: 50-1

 

Sean Penn, All The King’s Men – Well, this movie was awful and Penn was over-the-top, but he has a much better chance in the Top Clown category. Odds: 50-1

 

James Franco, Annapolis – If you kill Nic Cage, John Travolta, and Keanu Reeves you will win. Odds: 100-1

 

WORST ACTRESS –

 

Talking At Work To People You Don’t Know -

 

Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct 2 – She’ll be rewarded for whoring it up by taking on this role again. Odds: 2-1

 

Sarah Jessica Parker, Failure To Launch – Fred once told me that someone told him that her face looked like a foot. That person was wrong. Her face looks like a foot with a Plantar wart. You be the judge:

 

http://medicalimages.allrefer.com/large/wart-verruca-with-a-cutaneous-horn-on-the-toe.jpg

 

 

http://content.clearchannel.com/Photos/female_celebrities/sarah_jessica_parker/sarah_jessica_parker2_GI.jpg

 

Pretty close…Odds: 3-1

 

 

Listening To Women Talking While At Work -

 

Sandra Bullock, The Lake House – It’s always difficult playing across Keanu Robot, but her performance lacked a certain something: talent. How ‘bouts another Miss Congeniality? Odds: 6-1

 

Rosario Dawson, Clerks II –  How does someone that most people have never heard of wind up in this category almost every year?  Her fourth nomination in the bad acting categories leads me to offer some advice: give up – you suck. There’s always soft porn movies you can make. Odds: 12-1

 

 

Talking About Work -

 

Bryce Dallas Howard, The Lady In The Water -  Sounds like a double-play. Inning over. Odds: 25-1

 

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR –

 

Hugging

 

Terry Bradshaw, Failure To Launch – How the mighty have fallen. His great work has been overlooked in Cannonball Run, but he got naked on screen. Naked. Odds: 2-1

 

Sean Salisbury, Benchwarmers – This annoying ass probably thinks he’s something special because he got to “act” in a “movie”. The only reason I like to see him at all is because he’s a great fade: whoever he thinks will win a football game, I play the opposite. As far as seeing him in a movie, you might want to take the same advice: see something else. Odds: 3-1

 

 

Talking About “Feelings” -

 

Tyrese Gibson, Annapolis – Well, it looks like Tyrese is trying to summons his inner-Clown:

 

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0417433/Gibson.jpg.html?path=gallery&path_key=0417433&seq=2

 

Odds: 5-1

 

Donnie Walhberg, Annapolis – Generally a passable actor, but everyone lays an egg. Doesn’t help that he used to hang tough with the New Kids. Hangin’ tuff! Odds: 5-1

 

 

Opening Up –

 

M. Night Salamander, The Lady In The Water -  Scrunt, scrunt scrunt! At least he got Danny DeVito some work. Odds: 15-1

 

Kevin Dillon, Poseidon – Nice work playing Mr. Ed the poker player. Odds: 22-1

 

 

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS –

 

Making A $500 wager on the Flyers Because Some Canadian Drunk Gave You “A Tip” –

 

Eva Longoria, The Sentinel – Small screen, honey, small screen. Odds: 2-1

 

Jordanna Brewster, Annapolis – The long list of bad acting didn’t stop at the guuyzz in this flick. Jordanna was the worst and that’s saying something. Hey, she’s a tough chick. She’s a hanging tough chick. Odds: 3-1

 

 

Trying To Make A Half-Time Wager On Said Hockey Game And Not Realizing There’s No Half-Time In Hockey –

 

Elle Burstyn, The Wicker Cage – She was out-acted by a bear suit. Odds: 8-1

 

Kerri Russell, MI:III – Felicity was a long time ago, wasn’t it? You suck, find a new profession. Odds: 10-1

 

Selling Your Kidney To Raise Cash So You Can Pay Off Your Bookie –

 

Mia Miastro, Poseidon –  I had this once. Antibiotics help, but rest and fluids can aid you just as well. Remember to wash your hands before handling poultry and you’ll avoid this nasty, but innocuous ailment. Odds: 17-1

 

Mary Lynn Ratksjob, 24 – We only have 24 hours before we must save the world or something like that. Odds: 55-1

 

 

TOP CLOWN –

 

CRAZY PERSON STARRING IN A POLITICAL FILM THAT IS “IMPORTANT” -

 

Sean Penn, All The Kings Men – He wanted this movie to inspire, but it simply became the best night-time, help you get your rest medicine. Odds: 2-1

 

Tom Cruise, MI:III – He didn’t dress up in a bear suit, but he is Tom Cruise. Odds: 2-1

 

CRAZY PERSON LOOKING LIKE A REAL-LIFE CRAZY PERSON IN A MOVIE –

 

Robin Williams, Man Of The Year – When he put on that wig, he sure did look like Me-Me:

 

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0483726/Ss/0483726/f10.jpg.html?path=gallery&path_key=0483726

 

Me-Me? Odds: 5-1

 

M. Night Helicopter, The Lady In The Water – Scrunt. Odds: 6-1

 

CRAZY PERSON WHO ACTS LIKE A CRAZY PERSON IN A TERRIBLE MOVIE –

 

Juilanne Moore, Freedomland – She’ll never win, but boy was her performance Clown. Odds: 12-1

 

Sharon Stone, Basic Instinct 2 – I actually feel sorry for her that her career has turned to this. I’m sure she’ll say that she finally found the “right” script for the sequel. Bull – she finally snorted enough of her cash stash up her nose and she needed some coin. (Don’t sell your kidney). Odds: 30-1

 

WORST SCREENPLAY – Nick LaBute – Hmm…Nic Cage in a bear suit? How do I write this in my movie?

 

WORST MUSIC – Failure To Launch – Nickleback’s Greatest Hits.

 

WORST EDITING – Failure To Launch -  They failed to cut out the scenes with a naked and very fat Terry Bradshaw. Yeah, that wasn’t gravy on my popcorn after that scene.

 

WORST VISUALS – The Wicker Man – You know you want it - Nic Cage in a bear suit!!!