Clowntown Film Reviews

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2002 Movie Reviews

Movies from 2002 Sonny J Goo Joe Pat Fred Avg
Punch-Drunk Love 0.5 - 0 0 2 0.63
Signs 0 2.5 1 1 2.5 1.40
Solaris 0.5 - 1.5 - 2.5 1.50
The Rookie 0 - 2.5 - 2 1.50
One Hour Photo 1 - 2 2.25 1.5 1.69
Russian Ark - - - 1.50 2 1.75
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers 1 2 2 2 2 1.80
Orange County 0.5 - 3.5 - - 2.00
Mr. Deeds 0 - 2 2.5 3.5 2.00
About Schmidt 2 - 2 2 2 2.00
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind - - 2 - - 2.00
Catch Me If You Can 1.5 2 2 2 2.75 2.05
The Good Girl 1 - 3 3 2 2.25
About a Boy - - 2.5 - 2 2.25
Far From Heaven - - 2 2.75 2 2.25
The Pianist - - 3 2.75 1.5 2.42
The Sum of All Fears 0.25 - 3.75 - 4 2.67
Minority Report 0 - 5 - 3 2.67
The Hours - - - - 3 3.00
Barbershop - - - - 3 3.00
Adaptation - - 3 2 4 3.00
Gangs of New York - 3 3 - 3 3.00
The Transporter 1 - 5 - - 3.00
Simone - - 3 3 - 3.00
Unfaithful - - 3 3.5 3 3.17
The Count of Monte Cristo - - - - 3.25 3.25
Frailty - - 3 - 3.5 3.25
Spider-Man 1 2.5 4.5 5 3.5 3.30
Star Wars Episode II 1 4.5 3.5 3.75 4 3.35
The Cat's Meow - - - 4 3 3.50
Star Trek Nemesis - 3.5 - - 3.5 3.50
The Salton Sea - - - - 3.5 3.50
Knock Around Guys 2 - 5 - - 3.50
The Time Machine - - - 3 4 3.50
K-19: The Widowmaker - - 3.5 - 3.5 3.50
Hart's War - - - 3.25 4 3.63
Reign of Fire - - 4 3.5 4.25 3.92
Imposter - - - - 4 4.00
We Were Soldiers - - - - 4 4.00
Brotherhood of the Wolf - - - - 4 4.00
The Quiet American - - 4 - - 4.00
Kissing Jessica Stein - - - 4 4 4.00
Undercover Brother - 4 4 4.5 - 4.17
The Four Feathers - - 6 - 3.5 4.25
The Bourne Identity - 4 5 4 4 4.25
Road to Perdition 2 - 7 - 3.75 4.25
Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner 0 - 5 7 6 4.50
Chicago - - 4.5 - 4.5 4.50
I-Spy - - 5 - - 5.00
Red Dragon - - 4 5 6 5.00
Clockstoppers - - - - 5 5.00
Stealing Harvard - - 5 - - 5.00
Jason X - - 5 - - 5.00
Collateral Damage - 5.0 - - - 5.00
13 Conversations About One Thing - - - -- 5 5.00
Death to Smoochy - - 5.5 6.5 4.25 5.42
Maid in Manhattan - - 5 6 - 5.50
Life or Something Like It - - - - 5.50 5.50
High Crimes - - - - 5.5 5.50
Panic Room 6 - 6.5 - 4.5 5.67
Insomnia - - 7.5 6.75 3.25 5.83
Die Another Day - 6 - - 6 6.00
Y Tu Mama Tambien - - 6 - - 6.00
City by the Sea 4.5 - 7.5 - - 6.00
The Mothman Prophecies - 5 - - 7 6.00
Dragonfly 3 - 9 - 7 6.33
Austin Powers in Goldmember - - 7 6 6 6.33
Sweet Home Alabama - - 7 6.5 - 6.75
The Scorpion King - 7.5 - - 6.5 7.00
White Oleander - - - - 7 7.00
John Q   - - - 7 7.00
XXX 5 8 8.5 7.75 8 7.45
Blade 2 5 8.5 9 - 7.5 7.50
The Ring 8 - 7 - - 7.50
8-Legged Freaks - - 7 8 - 7.50
My Big Fat Greek Wedding - - 5.5 - 10 7.75
Resident Evil 8 - - - - 8.00
Windtalkers - - 10 10 4.5 8.17
Enough 3 - 10 10 9.75 8.19
Changing Lanes 7 - 10 - 8 8.33
Queen of the Damned - - 8.5 - - 8.50
Analyze That - - 9 8 - 8.50
Scooby Doo - - 10 8 8 8.67
Ghost Ship - - 9 - - 9.00
Bowling For Columbine - - 9 - - 9.00
Blood Work - - 9 - - 9.00
40 Days & 40 Nights - - 9 - - 9.00
Half Past Dead - - 9 9 - 9.00
Crossroads - - - - 9 9.00
Rollerball - - - - 9.5 9.50
Men in Black II - - 9.5 10 - 9.75
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist - - 10 - - 10.00
Feardotcom - - 10 10 - 10.00
Adventures of Pluto Nash - - 10 10 - 10.00
Extreme Ops - - 10 - - 10.00

Mr. Deeds - 2 clowns by Clown Joe
In one of the most shocking film developments in recent time, Mr. Deeds performed a coup de film, offering up one of the finest comedies i

In the last ten years. I laughed early, waiting for the .stupidity to trickle in, alas it never did.
A loose story line mixed with bizarre humor and fantastic supporting roles, without poop, urine, etc. jokes.

I will be hard pressed to leave out John Turturo for a Best Supporting Actor award and perhaps even the writer
for Best Screenplay. I kid you not....2 Clowns

 
Enough - 9.75 Clowns by Clown Fred

Clown Fred rarely gives out 10 clowns as he likes to reserve them for the truly, massively, unclownable movie events (see Battlefield Earth, Face/Off) and Enough would have garnered 10 clowns if the leading actor was played by John Travolta, so I had to reduce the clownage by .25 clowns. Anyway, on to the review.

"Coo coo.... coo coo...."

You'd have to be to make this film. As the motley crew of rag tag friends of J Lo's character "Slim" attempt to rescue her from the bondage inside her $1,000,000 home, our brains in the theater begin to melt. As our survival instincts kick in, our brains turn the melting into something else-- laughter. And laugh I did, as did the rest of the theater.

Nothing in this movie made sense. And therefore, my review will probably not make sense either because I am still trying to figure out how this movie was made and that the director said, "Alright cut! That was great!" Instead of a review, I'll just point out some of the "highlights".

bulletSlim's nickname is probably a tongue-in cheek reference to J Lo's massive ass-- real funny. No, clown.
bulletThe face of Slim's daughter while being chased was hysterical-- funny that is.
bulletNoah Wyle should have been killed, or least decapitated, but not given a slight scratch on his head after his crash.
bulletWhy do you need to do a bird call when you have a perfectly good system called... time??? Just say "Slim, at 2 am, get your fat ass out of bed and go out into the Mystery Machine."
bulletSlim is going to remember some random guy from 8 years ago? And then automatically know that he's trying to kill her? And why is he trying to kill her? Or is he ? Does it matter?
bulletJ Lo's acting just sucks. The script was worse and the direction was unclownable.
bulletJ Lo plays Rocky/Rambo... could have been believable if it weren't so unbelievable.
bulletIt's a machine that deactivates cell phones..... Right, what does the Bat Computer say????
 
The Adventures of Pluto Nash

Certain subtle signs about a how good (or bad) a movie will be can often appear during the opening credits of modern day flicks. A keen eye can spot them. For instance, if the opening credits reveal Joe Screenwriter and Bob Scriptman & Johnny

Hackstein and Urusla Cleanitup wrote the script, that’s usually bad. Four screenwriters doesn’t bode well. Nor does when there are as many producers as audience members. Or when you see "Starring Whoppi Goldberg". Then you just run. If you see "score by John Williams" or wispy fog roll over the title (a la Gladiator and The Fellowship of the Ring) these are usually positive signs.

Then there’s Pluto Nash.

First, the credits rolled with a doo-wop/hip-hop version of the song "Blue Moon." Nearly ten or so producers passed by (including Frank Capra III – for shame!). The most glaring sign was the final credit to roll, which was director of photography. Say what? Director of who? Shouldn’t it be "a film by", or "screenplay by" or "directed by"? Needless to say, the director, Ron Underwood, and the executive producer(s) were completely embarrassed by their own movie and threw some schlep’s name on screen last.

Ah, then came the first line of the movie. "It’s horrible. Horrible," said freshly-released-from-prison-former-smuggler(or rill jumper)-turned-wanna-be-club-owner Pluto Nash (played by Eddie Murhpy) to Tony Francis (Jay Mohr). How right he was, how right he was.

10 CLOWNS – Easily the worst movie of the entire year.

 

Feardotcom

Clown Pat

Usually when I go to the movies, I will suspend reality to allow the movie (and it's makers) some
flexibility in setting up its premise. If a movie called "Killer Kangaroos" came out, I would allow them to have flying kangaroos which shot deadly microwaves from their eyeballs, if only to get the movie going. In "Fear Dot Com' the premise was that the Internet has some sort of binding energy which could be manipulating, and in this case, deadly (It also caused bleeding from the eyes, which upon viewing  twice, I believe this movie would do the same). This I could not accept. That is, of course, until I realized this movie was not taking place on Earth, although it is never stated. This is real twist of the film. There is much evidence supporting my theory, that the film actually took place on what I will call "Stupid Earth".

Evidence of Stupid Earth:
1) Guys whose glasses fall off their face every time they look down don't have them fixed/replaced.


2) It always rains.

3) Indoor lighting is frowned upon; lightbulbs are used for indirect lighting only.

4) People who work for the Department of Health are the equivalent of Police Detectives, and are actually better investigators.

5) The "Feds" are a mysterious, invisible group of people that, when given an assignment, don't do anything.


6) High tech computer chics use old style telephones with the little bells in them, probably for the nostalgia.

7) Police protocal is primitive. No procedure, no securing of homicide scenes, no labeling/documentation of evidence. Serial Murderers are mentioned only in passing. When dead bodies are fished up from murky water, they are brought immediately to the morgue for autopsy.

8) Little girls with hemophilia often play down at the old steel mill. It's much safer than the park.

Despite the filming on "Stupid Earth", Fear Dot Com still comes off as a collossal failure. "The Doctor" (Stephen Rea) is the most laughable villian since Dennis Hopper's portrayal of a mad bomber in "Speed". But the doctor is much, much worse. He seems to be half mad scientist, half Flock of Seagull. ( And did I want to run from this film, run so far away.) The rest of the acting was equally hideous. The direction was even worse, the srcipt was worse yet, and the lighting was the absolute worst. ( NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD:If the whole film is dark, I can't see anything!) The worst part about this awful, awful film is the attempt at an artsy-fartsy ending, which made the film even more laughable. In comparison, Pluto Nash is an Oscar contender. Can I only give 10 clowns? YES! 10 Clowns for this Clownsterpiece!!

 

Barbershop

Clown Fred

Fantastic. 3  clowns. a sort of visual Plato dialogue on black america- basically teaching black kids to think for themselves (aka: don't necessarily get brainwashed by propaganda), respect others and don't act like fools all the time, stuff like that. Every black person ought to see this film.

The reason Jesse Jackson, Charles Rangel, etc. protest this film is that it teaches black kids that things aren't the way these politicians tell them. Their lives aren't doomed, they have choices, they have opportunity. And Cedric the Entertainer--- a certain best supporting actor nominee in CFA. He played the comedic old man, but behind his foolish exterior lies the wisdom of knowledge that the black man doesn't want to hear, but needs to hear.

A fine comedy with a surprisingly deeper meaning and message. Well acted and a great script.