Clowntown Film Reviews

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2003 Movie Reviews

Movie

Guest Sonny Pat Joe J Goo Fred Avg
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King 0,0,0 0 0 0 1.5 0 0.19
Whale Rider 0 - - 3 - 1.5 1.50
Lost In Translation 3, 1 0 1 2 - 2.5 1.58
Master and Commander 2 1 1.75 2.5 2.5 1.5 1.88
Open Range 3.5 0 2 2 3 3.5 2.33
Old School 2.5 - - 3 2 2 2.38
Bad Santa - - 2.25 2.5 - - 2.38
In America 2.5 - 3 2.50 - 2 2.50
Winged Migration - - - 2.5 - 3 2.75
Big Fish 3.5, 4 - 2 2.75 - 2.75 3.00
Monster - -   3 - - 3.00
Anger Management 3.5 3.5 3 3 - 3.75 3.35
Terminator 3 3, 3 6 2.5 3 3 3 3.36
Seabiscuit 3.5, 4 - - 3 - 3 3.38
Cabin Fever - - 2.5 4.5 - 3.5 3.50
Elf - - - 3 - 4 3.50
Owning Mahony - - - 3.5 - 3.5 3.50
Shanghai Knights   - - 3.5 - - 3.50
The Hulk - - - - 3.5 4.25 3.88
The Magdalene Sisters 4 - - - - 4 4.00
28 Days Later 1 - 3.5 7 - 5 4.13
Texas Chainsaw Massacre - - 4.25 - - - 4.25
Bruce Almighty 3.75 - 5 5 - 3.5 4.31
The Last Sammurai - - - 6.5 3 3.5 4.33
Out of Time - - 4.5 - - - 4.50
Down With Love - 5 - 4 - - 4.50
Matchstick Men - - - 4.5 - - 4.50
21 Grams 3.5 - 4 7 - 3.5 4.50
Love Actually 3, 5 - - 6.5 - 4 4.63
Cold Mountain - 4 - 7 - 3.75 4.92
Mystic River 6 4 - 4 - 6 5.00
Timeline - - - - 5 5 5.00
Once Upon A Time In Mexico - - - - 5 - 5.00
A Mighty Wind - - - 7 - 3 5.00
Le Divorce 5 - - - - - 5.00
School of Rock - - - 5 - - 5.00
Final Destination 2   - 5 5 - - 5.00
Identity 4 - 7.25 5 - 4 5.06
Boat Trip - - - - - 5.5 5.50
The Matrix Revolutions - - 6.5 - 5 5 5.50
Head of State   - - 5.5 - - 5.50
A Man Apart   - 5 6 - - 5.50
X-Men 2 5 - 7 8.5 2.5 3.5 5.75
The Missing - 5.5 - 6.5 - - 6.00
Pirates of the Carribbean 3 - 8 7.5 - 5.5 6.00
The Life Of David Gale   - - 6 - - 6.00
Swimming Pool - - - 6.5 - - 6.50
Hollywood Homicide - - 6.5 - - - 6.50
Radio - - - 6.5 - - 6.50
Dreamcatcher   6 6 8 - - 6.67
The Core 6 - 7.5 7 7 7 6.90
Intolerable Cruelty 10 - - 3 - 9 7.33
The Matrix Reloaded 10 7 8 - 6 6 7.40
American Splendor - - - 7.50 - - 7.50
Just Married   7 - 8 - 7.5 7.50
Basic 6 - 6.5 9 - 9 7.63
Kill Bill Volume I 10, 6.5 - 10 10 2.5 8 7.83
Tears of the Sun   - - 9 - 7 8.00
In The Cut - - - 8 - - 8.00
Raising Victor Vargas 10 - - 6.5 - - 8.25
Daredevil - - - - - 8.5 8.50
Something's Gotta Give   - - 8.5 - 8.5 8.50
The League of Extraoridinary Gentleman - - 9.75 10 - 7 8.92
Bad Boys 2 - - 8 10 - - 9.00
Dumb and Dumberer - - 9 9 - - 9.00
Malibu's Most Wanted   - 8.25 10 - - 9.13
National Security   - 9 9.75 - - 9.38
Darkness Falls   - - 10 - 9 9.50
Anything Else 10 - - 9.5 - - 9.50
Triplets of Belville - - - 9.5 - - 9.50
Lara Croft Tomb Raider, etc. etc - - 10 10 - 9 9.67
House Of 1,000 Corpses 10*,10 - 10 - - 9 9.75
A Guy Thing   - - 10 - - 10.00
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 10 - 10 10 - 10 10.00
Gods and Generals - 10 10 10 - 10 10.00
Gigli 10 - - - - 10 10.00
Spider - - - 10 - - 10.00
Thirteen - - 10 10 - - 10.00

 

*Mike Andrews- The Core, Basic, Corpses, X-Men 2, T3 (3), Pirates of the Carribbean, Kill Bill (10)
* Nicole Madruga- Anger Management, Indentity, Old School, Bruce Almighty, Seabiscuit, Whale Rider, Le Divorce, Lost In Translation, Love Actually, In America, 21 Grams, Big Fish (4)
Scummy the Clown- Matrix Reloaded, House of 1,000 Corpses, 28 Days Later, Gigli, ROTK (0)
Tony Cammilleri - T3
Michelle Epps - Lost In Translation (1), Raising Victor Vargas, ROTK (0), Seabiscuit (4), Anything Else
 Donnie Richman - Kill Bill (6.5), Master and Commander, ROTK (0), Big Fish (3.5), Open Range

Mini Reviews

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
Clown Joe
10 Clowns

No surprise that it was bad, but who could have known it would be this bad? Easily awarded 10 Clowns, easily. This movie may be Clownier than Face/Off and possibly more travolting than Con Air. I'm serious. The director, McG, not only ignore the basic laws of gravity and physics he blatantly defies them, with no real specific result other than to see the Angels land on their feet next to one another in their annoying pose.

The screenwriters ignored the basic rules of screen writing, most noticeably that scenes and sequences should agree with what happened prior and after said scenes and sequences. This did not happen, plot points were forgotten and many scenes made no sense at all and were there for more mind-numbing noise/action shots/cameos. The screenwriters should be ceremoniously gathered into a room for their beheading.

Kudos to Cameron Diaz, however. She made the seemingly impossible possible. She actually was more irritating than Lucy Lui - who knew? A sure fire Worst Actress Clonwnie nomination for Ms. Ditz. Congrats.

This piece of shit will eventually wither in my brain, but the knwoledge that people made money off of this "movie" will grate on my soul forever. I hate them.

Pirates of the Carribbean= Clowntown  
The first movie in history to make me fall asleep and give me a headache. I think I'm the only person on earth who thought Johnny Depp sucked monkey balls. I thought his limp wristed performance insinuated that he was gay (especially since the movie is a homo-lovin' Disney production) and he proved it when he did nothing with that chick on the deserted island. Guess he spent too many shore leaves in the poop deck. Apparently nobody in this movie found it odd or disturbing that pirates turned into skeletons. And if skeletons can't be killed with a sword, why did two skele-pirates battle with these weapons? And if these pirates were "spat out of Hell", well then I'm gonna become the fucking devil when I get there because Hell needs a serious upgrade in evil and terror. Total clown! 8 Clowns for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

The League of Extraoridinary Gentleman  
I don't want to give The League of Extraordinary Gentleman 10 Clowns, but I must listen to my brain. I must follow the logic of the Clown scale and give it the worst possible rating. This film is an incoherent mess. It's just so terribly bad, I'm not sure I can describe accurately through words. Bad, bad, bad. And dull.
 
They have a street car in 1899 which Secret Service member Tom Sawyer (an embarrassing Shane West) can apparently drive through downtown Venice (is there a downtown Venice - do they have streets? Isn't that why they have gondolas? Could someone who is familiar with Venice help me out on this?) at speeds of over 100mph. Remember, its 1899. 1899! He's driving a car, not to mention at speeds over 100 mph all the while avoiding a spray of bullets by the bad guys (who we don't know who they are)! Impossible, but Alan Quartermain (Connery) can jump out and land on his feet, ready for action and shout orders to Sawyer. Sawyer understands these orders, the audience members do not.
 
Later, rich-guy bad-guy M (Richard Roxburgh) builds a factory in a place "nearly inaccessible to man" to produce fighting robots and tanks so the countries that are fighting in a World War (in 1899...don't ask) will buy these machines from him. Okay, he's rich so he builds a factory in the middle of nowhere...how will these countries procure these items...will they be shipped...how?...how was your factory built...? So dumb.
 
Not to mention the CGI was terrible. CGI fire, CGI Dr. Jekyll (awful), CGI boats...I wish there was a CGI Joe in the theatre so I could have gone home.
 
Sean Connery...for shame!!! 10 Clowns.

 

 LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER TWO

I have no other choice but: 10 Clowns. I know, I know what you'll say, but the movie was a piece of shit and if it's a 10 Clowner, it's a 10 Clowner.

Case in point: Lara Croft and her English traitor (who by the way has a thick Irish accent and was convicted of being a traitor to England, but was in a prison in Kazakhstan. Heh?) fly into China (by secret, so was the plan) in some sort of UFO craft that they eject seconds before they crash into a mountain on purpose. This was their best choice? No of course, this Irish dude is supposed to be her guide (that's why they let him out of prison - why they must go to China, I won't bother) because he knows people, etc in China.

BUT - in the middle of North West China - Ms. Croft knows the first Chinese woman they come across AND she has ready two hot, state-of-the-art motorcycles with riding gear (sans safety helmet) all set up for them so they can:

Ride recklessly across China and Ms. Croft somehow rides ON the GREAT WALL OF CHINA! Then somehow she jumps off and lands without a hitch next to her buddy.

Of course they're fighting some rich mad-man who wants to destroy the world and of course Lara Croft can not be killed or the people who want her dead won't kill her when they get a chance. This movie was Stupid.

Bad Boys 2 - 7.5 Clowns

Not as bad as expected, actually a few really clever and funny scenes. However, director Michael Bay is in love with himself (and John Woo - way too many slo-mo close up shots of bullets flying, ammo dropping, etc.) and the movie was 2 hours and 24 minutes! If it was an hour and a half it may have been a 5 Clowner. There were some scenes involving corpses that actually offended me. It was really violent, too. Unnecessarily so. Smith and Lawrence had a certain workability to them, but Bay's direction made them both into Clowns. The villans were all cheese, but I warmed up to the Russian bad guy, not the John Stamos wannabe. But is was bad, mostly boring, total Clown (should be nominated for Clown FOY) but not nearly as unentertaining as the rest of the summer crap. Quite the pity.

Some random thoughts on the movie, Radio:
 
There aren't a lot of movie goers in Oneonta on Friday afternoons.
 
The football scenes in the film were very credible. The director knows football.
 
The new additions to the Southside Theater are very nice. The new roomy, stadium type seating in comibnation with a superior sound system will make for some nice viewings in Oneonta.
 
Ed Harris is a fine actor.
 
The popcorn on Friday afternoons is really tasty.
 
It doesn't take much to believe Cuba Gooding, Jr. is a retard.
 
The viewing I took in ran so late that viewers for the next showing walked in with nearly twenty minutes left on the inital showing. They all stayed and sat - maybe they're retarded, too.
 
Apparently in South Carolina in the '70's everything was black and white, right or wrong.
 
Also, if you did something wrong don't you know it that Coach Jones (Harris) was there to teach you a valuable lesson.
 
During the movie Country Club Chevrolet called me to tell me that my car was ready after a much needed oil change and tire rotation. They give a fine car wash, too.
 
James Horner's score was a bit much.
 
Radio receives 6.5 Clowns from Joe.
 
  
Also, School of Rock - 5 Clowns

Matrix Revolutions
Yeah, this movie wasn't bad, just kinda sad. Note to movie directors: don't make Keanu Reeves act. It just dosen't work. A little five year old girl acted better in a scene with him. But do include him in an intense, overly long action scene. Oh, you left him out of that. So who is the star? The 30 million dollar actor? Apparently not. The effects, and of course, the directors. So much the stars that no one cared how this movie would end, even though it took three movies to get to. And when it did end, and it was as dull of an ending as possible, nobody really cared that it sucked. Mostly because when you have two indestructable forces (Neo and Smith) fighting it out, we don't expect anyone to lose, so something stupid or unexplainable has to happen. Because the ending, which with the end of the first film became so anticipated, by the end it was just a co-star to special effects, and really cheesy lines, and really bad acting. Thanks for nothing Wachlkdgaleieiqz brothers. 6.5 clowns.

 

21 Grams by Clown pat

4 clowns. Very ordinary, could have been excellent. The first half hour I had no clue what was going on. That might be because of the obnoxious amount of jumping around in time. Linear is better, directors, especially when you jump forward. Think of football, they show the game, have some instant replays, but never future replays. Film got good when 'bout half way, when shockingly, they stayed linear for a while! But the ending was too movie-ish, and the direction took away from the plot and the acting, so when Naomi Watts would cry and feel sorry for herself (which I could understand) I just didn't care.

Sean Penn is overrated in this film, though he was decent. I thought Benicio Del Toro was excellent, as was Franco Harris as the Father at the ghetto church. But as usual with big name directors, the director Hablo Espanol or whatever his name is, tried to steal the film with his annoying direction. Let the actors act, the plot thicken, and just add to it. Too bad, could have been good.

Clown Joe says..

Watching 21 Grams is like living life. At first, there is all sorts of potential. You can hope and dream that your life will be great and have all sorts of wonderful meaning. After living for a bit, you get stuck in your routine and before you know it you lead a normal, boring life - just like everyone else. Then your body starts to give out and death is on your doorstep. At this point you want it to end and you want all the pain and suffering to stop. Here it is! The end! No, no it's not over. Maybe a few more minutes, hours, days, boy I guess I'm not going to die, you say. Then just as you begin to want to live again - you die and no one (save family and few friends) really give a darn.
 
Hey Mr. Inhauroto or whatever your name is, just because you present your story in non-linear fashion, it doesn't make your movie:
 
a. interesting
 
b. art
 
This movie, presented in linear fashion, would have been sent straight to the video store. What a puff piece of soap opera garbage that will be easily forgotten.
 
7 Clowns