Clowntown Film Reviews

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  Rating system
0 Clowns: Near perfection, possibly one of the greatest of all time.
5  Slightly enjoyable, fallible film or at least watch-able.
10 Clowns: One of the worst pieces of garbage ever to be put on film.

2004 Clowntown Film Reviews



 

Movie

Guest

Pat

Joe

J Goo

Fred

Average

Wedding Crashers 0, 0, 3 2.5 1.5 3 3 1.86
The New World - - 2 - - 2.00
Cinderella Man 2.75 1.5 1.5 - 2.5 2.06
Match Point 2 - - - 2.5 2.25

Batman Begins

2, 2 - 3.25 2 2 2.25
Shopgirl 2 - - - 2.5 2.25
Murderball - - 2.5 - - 2.50

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

2.75 2.25 2.5 2.5 2.5 2.50
Ice Harvest - - 3 - - 3.00
Walk The Line 5 2 2 - 3.5 3.13
Jarhead - 3 3.5 - - 3.25
A History Of Violence 3.25 - 3.25 - - 3.25
Munich - 2.5 4.25 - - 3.38
Elizabethtown 4 - 3 - 3.5 3.50
40 Year Old Virgin 3 - 3.5 - 3.75 3.50

Kingdom Of Heaven

4, 1.75

3.75

3.5

4.5

3.75

3.54

The Constant Gardener - - 4 - 3.25 3.63
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - O Movie Where Are Thou? Contender 5 - 2.75 - 3.5 3.75
The Island 3.5 - 4 - - 3.75
Brokeback Mountain 6, 1 - 3.75 - 4.25 3.75
Lords of War - 3.75 - - - 3.75
The Upside of Anger 3.5 - 4.5 - - 4.00
Hitch 4,3 - 5.5 - 3.5 4.00

The Interpreter

-

4

-

-

-

4.00

An Unfinished Life - - 4.25 - - 4.25
Capote 4.5 - - - 4 4.25
War of the Worlds 2.5, 6 4.5 6 2.75 - 4.35
Transporter 2 - 4 5 - - 4.50
Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - - 5 - 4 4.50
Land of the Dead - - 4.5 - - 4.50

Robots

-

-

5

-

-

5.00

Good Night, And Good Luck 6 3 6 - 6 5.25
Chronicles of Narnia 3.5, 4 - 9.5 - 4 5.25
Syriana - - 7.5 - 3 5.25
Broken Flowers 6 - 4.5 - 6 5.50
King Kong - 6 7 4.5 4.5 5.50
A Lot Like Love 5 - 7 - - 6.00
The Jacket 6 - 5 - 7 6.00
The Squid and the Whale 5 - 8 - - 6.25

House of D

5

-

10

-

5

6.67

The Longest Yard 5 - 8.5 - - 6.75
Me And You And Everyone We Know 6.5, 10 - 4.75 - 6 6.81
The Corpse Bride - - 7 - - 7.00
Crash 5.5 - 9 - - 7.25
The Skeleton Key 6 - 7.5 - - 7.50
The Family Stone 8, 5 - - - 7 7.67
Four Brothers - 8 - - - 8.00
November 8 - - - 8 8.00
Pride & Prejudice - - 8 - - 8.00
Dukes of Hazzard - - 8 - - 8.00

XXX: State of the Union

-

8

8

-

-

8.00

Flightplan - - 8.5 - - 8.50

Sin City

5, 10

10

10

-

9

8.80

Mindhunters 8.5 - 9.5 - - 9.00

Constantine

-

-

9

-

-

9.00

The Hostage

-

9

9

-

-

9.00

Be Cool

-

-

9

-

-

9.00

Saharah

-

-

9

-

-

9.00

Kung Fu Hustle

-

-

9.5

-

-

9.50

The Cave - 10 9 - - 9.50
Stealth - - 9.5 - - 9.50
Grizzly Man - - 10 - - 10.00

Guests

  • Faxface - Sin City (5), Kingdom Of Heaven (4), Batman Begins (2), Narnia (3.5)
  • Sonn Dogg - Kingdom of Heaven (1.75), War of the Worlds, Wedding Crashers (0)
  • Indeed - Star Wars, War of the Worlds (6)
  • Dammit Epps- Hitch, Batman (2), Wedding Crashers (0), Skeleton Key (6), 40 Y/O Virgin (3), Crash (5.5), History of Violence, Upside of Anger, A Lot Like Love, Longest Yard, Me & You
  • Drooga- The Jacket, Wedding Crashers (3), Broken Flowers (6), House of D, Hitch, Capote, Shopgirl, Feverpitch, Brokeback, Family Stone, Good Luck (6), Narnia (4), November, Match Point
  • Hennessy - Family Stone (8), Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
     

1

Reviews

 Constantine

I love the early releases. I take it this movie is based on a DC graphic comic - which usually means the movie will be shit. B/c these comics are read by total nerds who want to live in another world and the comic world delivers all sorts of new "rules' when introduced to the non-comic reading but movie-watching public. Well, this movie doesn't let us down. I had no idea what was going on half the time. I was able to piece the plot together, but most of the stuff in the middle of sequence to sequence confused the hell out of me.

The acting sucked, Djmoun Houston or whatever his name is was embarrassing - why did he take this role? It was dark with evil demons who appeared from time to time and some "spear of destiny" which was so stupid and unneeded. I hated it, it was painful to watch near the last half hour and the mix of religion, Catholicism, imagery, and superstitions was laughable and at times insulting. So stupid. 9 Clowns - early noms for K. Reeves, Worst Direction, screenplay, music and visuals.

1

 Thank You Bruce Willis....

He sure delivered a Clown performance in The Hostage. UhhhhhhhhhhAAAHHHHHHHHH...... Sure there were a few scattered moments of really good film making, but for the most part it was over-the-top acting and directing. Mother and daughter gagged and bound in the back of a van? Hilarious. Bruce Willis and his angst? Too funny. This was a big ball of Clown crap - I loved it. 9 Clowns. Sure-fire nominations for Willis for Worst Actor and possibly Top Clown. Directore, WS Actress as well. Music, of course.

 1

Sin City is a big fat 10. I only watched half of it, so it might be the worst I've ever seen. Some people may consider me (and us) movie snobs, but when someone jumps through the windshield of a speeding police car feet first and not only lives through it, but manages to defeat the two officers in the car, I must say, "this can't happen." Because if that can happen, then anything can happen, which means everything that does happen dosen't make sense, because there are and infinite amount of other scenarios that could have occured, especially when something happens that should happen, i.e. when someone actually dies. I don't care that it's beased on a comic strip, it's still total utter crap. 10 clowns, with many Clown nominations, including the first (and last?) nomination for Worst "guest" director QuinClown Tarabignose.

 1

Sahara -
 Well, Sahara is a golden treasure buried below  mounds and mounds of (I hate to say it) American  audience expectations. First, the music used was cliched and wrong. Why do I have to hear "Sweet Home Alabama" in every movie? What does "Magic Carpet  Ride" have to do with finding a treasure? Any time  something serious or pending seriousness would  happen, something so stupid would occur to "keep us  occupied" would then happen. Case in point, our two  heroes Dirk Pitt (!!) and Al Giordini (McCuaghney  and Zahn) were passing out in the desert near death  and they find a crashed plane......so what's the  next step here in the equation??????? They fix it up  to go windsurfing out of the desert and to safety!!! 

 So, so dumb. "Hello, this is the World Health  Organization." That statement always resonates with  African military rebels, doesn't it? That line was  uttered by Dr. Frank Hopper played by the awful  Glynn Turman (most noticable as the stuffy Colonel  in "A Different World") - a sure fire nomination for  worst supporting actor.   This movie could have been saved had they changed  most of the cast, stuck to hidden treasure aspect  (which in reality is just a side-plot until near the  end) changed the director, music and score. Also,  probably want to go with a different script. Okay,  then maybe this movie just sucks monkey balls. --- 9 clowns.
KING KONG
review by Ghimraab

"Jimmy, Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy!"

Normally stupid stuff like a horribly unnecessary character like Jimmy, or ridiculous scenes with bugs aren't a big deal. But when the director makes the movie three hours(!)they become a huge deal. At three hours, you need to break out the scissors. You have most likely kept material in that is unimportant. What is this movie about? A girl and an ape- let's focus on this. If you only had about 10 minutes of worthwhile material, then sure, add in Jimmy. But they had plenty of Kong scenes, some very good scenes. Lost, however, is the heart of this story, when we waste 20 minutes watching a pointless Adrien Brody in Jurrassic Park 7. The first sunset scene with Kong/Naomi Watts was lost on me because the dramatic effect created in their previous scene was interrupted by another pointless Brody/creepy bugs scene. Did Jackson have to justify Brody's paycheck by putting in all these worthless scenes? It was like when the Yankees kept playing Giambi when he was hitting .200, because his paycheck was so big. And Jimmy is even worse- a waste of time character who is so poorly written and so stereo-typical that every time the 'Uncle Tom' Mr. Hayes said "Jimmy" I found myself wanting to stab knives into my ears. What could have been a great film, (for the sets, wardrobe, cinematography, cgi were all great, and the relationship between Kong and Anne worked) is a best an average film, mostly because of the length. If you're going to make it three hours, all three hours better be important, and if its not, it had better be great. But quite the opposite is true of at least an hour's worth of this film: most of it was off topic, and really, really bad.

Jimmy gets 10 clowns, and the film gets 6- what a disapointment


Syriana
by Xavier

What an overblown bore. Well made and such, not really all that confusing as often suggested. The acting solid, but since this paint-by-numbers "oil leads to evil thanks especially to capitalism" is five years (a post 9/11 viewing would make this more interesting) too late it rings hollow and fake. Gaghan's work comes off as reactionary and weak. Overall nothing was too caustic or annoying to stand out, but the overall mosaic made me impulsively stand up and wave my stiff-wristed left arm at the screen as I left the theatre. A notable irritant was the juxtaposition of the American government "assassination" and the terrorist attack on the oil rig/tanker/thing. The latter was made to seem almost noble and courageous, while the former was cold and calculated with a handle-barred mustachioed man laughing in glee somewhere - no doubt. I found no greatness in the score and found Matt Damon's rantings with his park bench scene with Amanda Peete to be highly irritating. Given more screen time Tim Blake Nelson could have potentially cracked the highly crowded Worst Supporting Actor field. But most annoying is Steven Gaghan who seems so pleased as punch with his one-trick pony movie making style. 7.5 Clowns On an unrelated side note - if they ever remade It's A Wonderful Life I would approve of Christopher Plummer playing Old Man Potter and would applaud when he had Nicolas Cage as George Bailey gunned down in the back alleys of corrupted Pottersville


The Clownicals of Clownia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Clown

Utterly dull and at times utterly embarrassing. Despite some very solid special effects here and there, most of the CGI and such was down right pathetic for this day in age (if it were 1985 I'd be impressed). I kept thinking that this crap looked like Shrek in snow, and I find out afterward the Shrek director directed this garbage. Some of the gayest shit I've ever seen on screen. The allegory played pretty heavily and it, along with every plot point from after the tediously long ACT I, were shoved down my throat so fast I couldn't finish my popcorn. Long live Aslan! It's a big, talking cat! Wow! (Psst! He's the Savior!!) Tilda Swinson was awful, and will get a Clown nomination. With such ambition comes such heavy condemnation: 9.5 Clowns

Grizzly Man
Well, it is the worst movie of the year.
 I thought that the guy who was offed, Tim Treadwell, was at least somewhat intelligent and knew something about bears, but...

He's a flaming retard.

Treadwell knows nothing about bears and plum luck is the only reason he wasn't eaten years prior. He offers nothing new or different about these animals except that he gives them odd names like The Grinch and Mr. Chocolate and that he loves them, loves them very much.

What Treadwell is is a repressed homosexual who hid behind alcohol, drugs, lies and poor acting (he claims he came in second to Woody Harrelson for the part of Woody on Cheers - right). Tim, so you're gay, just admit it and you wouldn't have been eaten by a bear.

The filmmaker Herzog steps around this issue and only offers the very dense viewers, who haven't figured Treadwell this out within the fist 10 minutes, a clip where Treadwell talks about how his life would be easier if he were gay - but "I'm not" he says. However, Herzog continues the lies of Treadwell by staging most of the interviews - and action! Two scenes in particular (which have Treadwell's former "girlfriend" who is also a co-producer of this hack job) are utterly embarrassing. So staged were they, I thought this movie was turning into a joke. Alas it never did, but it is Clown.

Herzog could have redeemed himself by actually playing the audio of the death scene (oddly enough the camera was on but the lens was also on....hmm, all of this footage, but the one where he is killed, we can hear it, but can't see it - do the lies continue, is Treadwell actually dead?). But he does not play it, he only allows us to watch him listen and react to the audio and the coroner reenacts it for us. Of course, they make him out to be brave at the end, whereas I'm sure he squealed like a little girl. 10 Clowns