Why I hate Elmo

...by Scummy the Clown

 
Ok kiddies, how the hell are ya?  It's yer ol' pal Scummy the Clown, back from a bender on Freemont street where I set a record in distance for projectile vomiting partially digested burritos and tequila inside the Glitter Gulch snatch bar.  I am here to give ya a little rant on one of the vilest, most despicable characters in TV history...that little red commie snot-nosed bastich, Elmo.
 
Where the HELL did PBS dredge up this waste of cotton and rayon?  I cannot begin to tell you how much I loathe Elmo.  Just typing his name gives me hives.  Ahh, where to begin...
 
Well here's the thing kiddies.  I love Sesame Street.  I do.  I am not bullshitting you boys and cum-dumpsters.  I love the show.  It really is a stirring depiction of life in the ghetto. There is such a wide array of maladjusted deviants, that I get my rocks off just watching those neon-colored puppets bounce around in an almost sexual dance of debauchery.  But not Elmo.  Oh no, that friggin scumbag is untouchable.  The litte red ferret is pristine. He got no edge.
 
Which is where my problem lies.  Every character except Elmo, on Sesame Street, has an edge.  Don't believe me?  Let's take a look, kiddies, shall we?  Can you say "tu tengo much dinero por tequilla y puss-o!"  I knew you could!
 
Big Bird.  Oh man. Where do I begin.  And 8 foot tall flightless canary who lives in an abandoned lot in an alleyway behind the building's garbage heap.  Big bird is clearly anti-social, constantly insecure and an obvious follower who will do anything anyone tells him. He is also delusional as evidenced by his constant conversations with his imaginary friend, "Mr Snuffalufagus", which also alludes to gender-confusion issues.  
 
The Aforementioned Mr. Snuffalufagus - or Snuffy for short.  Well, to start with, he's imaginary.  He doesn't exist.  Which leads to all manner of identity crisis' and self-confidence issues.  Plus, he's a 14 foot long wooly mammoth, who has all the inner strength of a 2 inch field mouse.  Clearly serious pyschological issues probably stemming from an abusive parent.
 
Grover.  Severe self-esteem issues. Constantly referring to himself as "cute, furry monster" a clear contradiction in terms. His failure to accept his own basic monster template has led to psychosis, delusion and possible paranoid schizoprenia.  He often pretends he is "super grover" complete with medieval helmet and cape. Sees himself as a self-proclaimed neitschzian super-man.  Clearly, grover is a ticking time bomb, ready to explode and gut Gordon like a fish on the street one day, simply for saying 'good morning' the wrong way.
 
Prairie Dawn - don't even get me started on Prairie Dawn.
 
Ernie & Bert.  Hoo-boy kiddies.  Let me take a drink for this one.  No.  I'll need to take these two one at a time.

 
Ernie is clearly a sociopath.  He moves from group to group, causing complete carnage wherever he goes, and then sniggers about the mass destruction wrought in his wake. Ever see "Journey to Ernie"?  He pulls Big Bird, the follower, along helplessly, in order to 'find' the hidden Ernie. It's obscene. Ernie also has Munchausen's syndrome and clearly is self-centered and egotistical.  He is also gay.  But he freely admits this.
 
Bert is just plain evil.  A loner. A socially inept muppet whose best friends are pigeons. He'd rather read books and plot world conquest than interact with others. He is in the closet. A homophobe, who is clearly gay, and living in a possibly incestuous relationship with his brother/friend, Ernie.
 
Oscar the Grouch.  Well this one is easy, kiddies. Oscar is an angry at the world vagrant. A bum who probably has several dozen dead hookers under his garbage can.
 
Cookie Monster.  Cookie Monster is your basic addictive personality.  He's a drug-addict and a manic depressive, whose only outlet for his mania is 'cookies', cookies, clearly being a euphemism for his drug of choice, probably heroin or crack cocaine.  When not gorging himself on 'cookies' he enters states of pronounced depression and catatonia.

 
Count von Count.  Well...he's a vampire.
 
Guy Smiley.  A faux-television personality with severe self-esteem issues and intimacy problems. Guy is smiling on the outside so we don't all see him crying on the inside.
 
Harry Monster.  A clear self-depricating living euphemism for out-of-control male sexuality. Harry 'doesn't know his own strength'.  Has problems being 'tender and caring'.  Often destroys that which he loves because he has over-exerted his vast reservoirs of strength.  And his name is 'Harry Monster'  Kids, I got a hairy monster, but it don't belong on TV either.
 
Baby Bear.  Severe intimacy issues ever since the arrival of his little sister, Curly Bear - who is a schizoid affective bear in her own right - and is having trouble dealing with no longer being the 'baby'.  Often acts out violently, his anger stemming from his frustration at this situation.
 
Telly.  A monster with severe low-self esteem and confidence issues.  Cannot do anything on his own and is constantly looking to others for re-assurance.  I am pretty sure Grover will kill him at some point before the end of the series.
 
Zoe.  A selfish, self-effacing personality. Also, a severe klepto-maniac.
 
Rosita. Mexican born illegal immigrant. Nuff said, Kiddies.
 
The Big Bad Wolf.  Do I really need to go into a diatribe on this one kiddies?  He's the big bad wolf for freakin' chrissakes!!!
 
As for the live actors, Bob, Maria, Gordon, Luis and Alan, we have a collection that includes a gay, a black, two hispanics and a gook.  I think that pretty much speaks for itself.
 
Now don't get me wrong, kiddings. Scummy LOVES multi-culturalism.  My last three hookers were black, white and chinese, in that order.  This is not what makes Sesame Street bad, it's what makes it GREAT.
 
Which brings me to Elmo.  That little piece o' shit red fluff ball is pristine.  He's got nothing wrong with him.  Not one good god-damned thing!  Elmo is Sesame Street's own little red furry Jesus. He wanders from place to place, showing how pristine he is, how sinless, how he's got nothing wrong, and is the happiest little shitbag in the whole world.  And this is just not right.  Kids need to see the dark side of humanity and puppetity.  But Elmo deludes kids into believing they can be perfect.  I hate him kiddies.  I hate him so very much!
 
So clearly, we need to have Elmo destroyed.  Maybe we can start a trash-can fire in Oscar's home and throw Elmo in?  Whaddya say kiddies are ya with me?  Ahh...what can I say?  Kiddies, all I know in this crazy mixed up world, is that we all gots problems...except Elmo. And that, my friends, is a tragedy.
 
And now, yer ol' pal Scum is so very very tired. He needs about 6 quaaludes and a cocaine enema.
 
Until next time, ya know what I say....make mine a double!
 
- Scummy.