Welcome to Clowntown

Home Up Movies The Great Halls Clowntown Stuff Food & Drink Top Tens 2011com

THE EMPIRE IS GOOD, GOD DAMMIT!
by Scummy the Clown
12/08/05
 
Alright boys and future unwed mothers, it's yer ol' pal Scummy the Clown, coming back to the land o' the living after a much needed sabbatical. I've spent the last few months lying flat on my back recupinaratin' after an ill-advised trip to Amsterdam.
 
So, after smoking seventeen cartons of camel's unfiltered gold, and drinking my weight in johnny walker plaid, I have come to this unescapable conclusion.
 
George Lucas has ruined Star Wars. Wanna know why?  I knew you did!  'Cause kiddies, I'm here to tell you, ol' Scummy knows the truth...and the truth will set you free!  The truth is...ready for it...the Empire wuz da good guys.  Yep.  Vadar. Palpatine. Even ol' crotchity Moff Tarkin hisself. All good.  Your childhood heros?  Luke? Han?  Leia. Dey were all bad. Even those butt-fucking, shit-eating Ewoks.  All bad.  The Jedi?  The worst o' the lot. Traitorious scumbags through an through.
 
Now, some o' you out dere I know are already screamin' in your Lando Calrissian lunch pails, and tellin' me, "Scum you're full of shit. Take the needle outta the vein and face reality." Well kiddies...this is reality, and often, it ain't pretty.
 
Consider this...an' I'll take 'em one stinkin flick at a time:
 

The Galactic republic is flawed.  When we first encounter it, it's a big fuckin monstrosity, trying to govern what..oh..thousands of worlds, by a senate and an elected chancellor who has very little power. The Republic has grown over many millennia to the point where there are so many factions and disparate interests, that it is simply too big to be governable. Even the Republic's staunchest supporters recognize this failing: In "The Phantom Menace," Pussy Queen Amidala admits, "It is clear to me now that the Republic no longer functions." Ya think? Ya fraggin bastich. In "Attack of the Clones," even pisant lil Anakin observes that it simply "doesn't work." Nope, it sure as shit don't.
 

The Senate moves so slowly that it is powerless to stop aggression between member states. In "The Phantom Menace" a supra-planetary alliance, the Trade Federation, invades a planet and all the Senate can agree to do is call for an investigation. Sorta like...oh say OPEC - Iraq and the United Nations.  Oh ya gotta luv dese parallels I draw for ya kiddies.
 
 

Like the United Nations, the Republic has no armed forces of its own, cause it sucks, but instead relies on a group of warriors, the Jedi knights, to "keep the peace." The Jedi, while autonomous, often work in tandem with the Senate, trying to smooth over quarrels and avoid conflicts. But the Jedi number only in the thousands--they cannot protect everyone.

 What's more, it's not clear that they should be "protecting" anyone. Why? Because they are a bunch of arrogant, close-minded, elitist cocksuckers who are more stoic, backward and inflexible in their thinking, they out do even the Catholic church.  Can anyone be a fuckwad Jedi?  NO!  You must have midi-muthafuckers in your body.  So really, the force is a genetic trait. So their not democratic peace-keepers. They're more like the royalist Swiss guard. Every fuckin Jedi we come across in Star Wars is so fuckin full of himself, herself or itself, that it's downright sickening.

In Attack of the Clones, a Count Dooku leads a separatist movement of planets that want to secede from the Republic. Dooku promises these confederates smaller government, unlimited free trade, and an "absolute commitment to capitalism." Well..excuse me, but what the fuck is wrong with that?  If the Galactic Republic is so hell-bent on freedom, why won't they allow a people to secede and make their own way in the universe. Hell, it's a big fucking place that universe.

So, finally, Palpatine is elected chancellor, and he enacts sweeping reforms across the Republic.  He even creates a standing army to deal with the multitude of threats an empire as big as the republic undoubtably faces. What's more, it's an army of fucking CLONES!  Are you hearing me kiddies?  No one dies. Not one single innocent person dies. Only clones. Fuck the clones. Ah but the Jedi get their midiclorins all in snit because suddenly there's a million man clone army breathing down their elitist pig commie necks. So what do they do? The organize a coup attempt!  That's right, they plot to over throw the duly elected chancellor because they don't like his politics.  Excuse the fuck outta me, but isn't that the worst kind of insurrection? Here, I'll throw you liberal pricks out there a bone - it's like George Bush overthrowing Saddam and turning Iraq into a total quagmire.  So there you go - Bush = Jedi. Now I'm cookin' kiddies. Love what freebasin' twinkies does to me.

So, the Chancellor/Emperor does what any threatened incumbant leader would do, he fights back. And Mace Windu stabs him in the back and attempts to assassinate him.  Anakin is forced to chose - protect the state, protect the man who leads the free peoples, who's been a father to him...or side with a violent militant black man.  Well, kiddies...what would you do? Of course, Anakin sides with the forces of good, and saves his foster father Palpatine - who's been horribly disfigured by the evil Mace Windu at this point.  So the Emperor fights back, and whoa, excuse the fuck outta me and him, if the Jedi aren't prepared to deal with it. Ya shouldn't started cookin if ya didn't want ta eat the dinner Mace. And all you other Jedi pricks.

So then, Anakin and Palpatine must take care of the last two members of this criminal uprising, Yoda and Obi-Wan. And where is a Jedi's compassion, when a vastly superior Obi-Wan horribly ruins Anakins entire body with lava and lightsaber? Does he save his life? No. Does he give him a quick, clean death? Hell no! That would be too kind.  No he leaves him there to writhe in endless agony until he would finally suffocate from the heat.  Nice guy that Obi-wan.  And what do Obi-Wan and Yoda do after all is said and done, and they've soundly gotten their asses kicked?  They scurry off like rats, tails between their legs, and hide in the most remote corners of the empire - a big swamp and an endless desert.  Plotting their next coup.  Hmmm...rebel terrorist plotting a take over of an alleged 'evil' empire from the bowels of an endless desert. Could be Obi-wan.  Could be Bin-laden.  What's the fucking difference kiddies!?!  Ohhh, Scummy's in a state now kids.  Lock down the booze.  Hide your moms. Scummy's comin now...

So on to the next trilogy in Lucas's crapfest.  Inbetween 3 and 4 Palpatine eventually becomes the Emperor. For a time, he keeps the Senate in place, functioning as a rubber-stamp, much like the Roman imperial senate, but a few minutes into Episode IV, we are informed that the he has dissolved the Senate, and that "the last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away."

Lucas wants the Empire to stand for evil, so he tells us that the Emperor and Darth Vader have gone over to the Dark Side and dresses them in black. Ooooo.  Scary!  Well, didn't Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones were black in...uh, that movie about the aliens where the good guys wore black?  I think it was called, "Guys in suits that fight aliens" or something..but I digress.

But look closer. When Palpatine is still a senator, he says, "The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates. There is no interest in the common good." At one point he laments that "the bureaucrats are in charge now." Palpatine believes that the political order must be manipulated to produce peace and stability. When he mutters, "There is no civility, there is only politics," we see that at heart, he's an esoteric Straussian. Ya didn't know Scummy knew that, didja kiddies?  Ol' Scum is full a' surprises...

Make no mistake, as emperor, Palpatine is a dictator--but a relatively benign one, like King Friday. It's a dictatorship people can do business with. They collect taxes and patrol the skies. They try to stop organized crime (in the form of the smuggling rings run by the Hutts). The Empire has virtually no effect on the daily life of the average, law-abiding citizen. Ir's close to a fuckin' eutopia as yer gonna get kids.

Also, unlike the divine-right Jedi, the Empire is a meritocracy. The Empire runs academies throughout the galaxy (Han Solo begins his career at an Imperial academy), and those who show promise are promoted, often rapidly. In "The Empire Strikes Back" Captain Piett is quickly promoted to admiral when his predecessor "falls down on the job."

Want more kiddies?  I knew you did!  Let's look at poor, pathetic Luke now.  Luke Skywalker. Son of Anakin. First, we know Luke is doomed from the start because he's living in the middle of the fuckin desert under the watchful eye of that crotch-rotting insurgent, Osama Bin Kenobi. And what does Kenobi do?  Orchestrates things so that Luke comes to him for help.  And does Bin Kenobi tell Luke, "We must hunt down your father ,the great and evil Lord Vadar?"  Fuck no!  He LIES to Luke. Some of the first words out of his mouth are, "Darth Vadar betrayed and murdered your father."  Bullshit!  Lies and more lies!  Does he say, "I took a lightsaber upside your father's head, beat his ass from here to Endor, and left him smouldering on the side of a lava filled crater, more deep fried than a chicken mcnugget!"? No he does not. Now, kids, Scum'll tell ya this, but ya know it anyways...ol' Luke aint the sharpest bulb in the drawer, y'know?  He's a big dumb farmer boy. Bin Kenobi is a Jedi Master!  Do I detect the foul stench of brainwashing going on here?  Yes, first Bin Kenobi, then later, in Empire, Master Yoda, twist and turn using mind-control, hallucinagenic drugs and strong-arm tactics, to brain wash young Luke, and turn him against his father.  And Vadar STILL won't kill Luke. He shows him mercy multipe times across Empire AND Jedi, from Bespin to Endor, from the clouds to the trees, mercy and a father's love. And he gets a lightsaber in the crotch and lighting up his ass for his troubles.

Ah Scummy is ready to take Lucas down now boys and gillies. I mean, what does Yoda do when Luke point blank asks him, "Is Vadar my father?" First the little green toadstool tries to dodge the issue, and then he reluctantly tells him yes, and says, "Unfortunate this is." Yeah, unfortunate that we can't keep you brainwashed and stupid. Who uses tactics like this kiddies?  Hipppies and Communists that's who!  There's more Nazi in Jedi than Just the fucking " i "!!!  Let me tell you.

Look at the facts before your very bleary eyes kiddies. The Empire was not evil. What is Vadar doing at the beginning of Episode 4?  Chasing down violent rebels who probably killed several, if not many, Imperial soldiers and staff, to steal - that's right, the rebels are no more than common theives - blueprints to a new Imperial power plant that would no doubt provide jobs and opportunities for countless citizens. And why do they want these plans?  So they can blow it up.  Holy fuckin shit kids? What would you do?  Let them go?  So it's excusable that Vadar is a bit miffed when the plans aren't found. So he kills a rebel captain? So what? What do the rebels intend to do? Throw him a fuckin party?  No sir!  This is self-defense and survival on a grand scale here boys and girls. 

And our pristine Princess Leia?  A liar through and through.  Vadar sees through this. She's NOT on a diplomatic mission. She IS a member of the rebels and a traitor.  Why does this make her a hero?  Cause Vadar's in black and choked a rebel traitor captain?  Jesus pleazus! Can you not feel the vibe here kiddies?  If Leia had her father's ship and a squadron of rebel fighters at her command, at eightteen, you can bet she didn't act alone. Most likely, her father aided and abetted her. And since he leads the Planet of Alderaan, it is a logical conclusion that Alderaan was part of the rebellion.  So the Empire blew it up.  Seems fair to me. Make an example of the rebels. Stop the violent insurection. Did not the good ol' US of A nuke Japan to stop a war. War is hell kiddies. You should all know that. The important thing to recognize is that the Empire is not committing random acts of terror. It is engaged in a fight for the survival of its regime against a violent group of rebels who are committed to its destruction. I can't say it any clearer kiddies.

But the most compelling evidence that the Empire isn't evil comes in "The Empire Strikes Back" when Darth Vader is battling Luke Skywalker. After an exhausting fight, Vader is poised to finish Luke off, but he stays his hand. He tries to convert Luke to the Dark Side with this simple plea: "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. . . . Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy." It is here we find the real controlling impulse for the Dark Side and the Empire. The Empire doesn't want slaves or destruction or "evil." It wants order. Fuck in A yes!  God I love me. Scummy you're the best. Thank you I know.



Darth is actually a pretty nice guy. plus he can dance!

As we all know from the final Star Wars installment, "Return of the Jedi," the rebellion is eventually successful. The Emperor is assassinated, Darth Vader abdicates his post and dies, the central governing apparatus of the Empire is destroyed in a spectacular space battle, and the rebels rejoice with their small, annoying cock-smoking Ewok friends. But what happens next?

In Episode IV, after Grand Moff Tarkin announces that the Imperial Senate has been abolished, he's asked how the Emperor can possibly hope to keep control of the galaxy. "The regional governors now have direct control over territories," he says.

So under Imperial rule, a large group of regional potentates, each with access to a sizable army and star destroyers, runs local affairs. These governors owe their fealty to the Emperor. And once the Emperor is dead, the galaxy will be plunged into chaos.

In all of the time we spend observing the Rebel Alliance, we never hear of their governing strategy or their plans for a post-Imperial universe. All we see are malevolent, Macheavellian plots and non-stop fighting. Their victory over the Empire doesn't liberate the galaxy--it turns the galaxy into fucking Somalia on a massive scale, dominated by local warlords who are answerable to no one. Nicely done, you rebel dickheads.

Which makes the rebels--Lucas's heroes--an unimpressive crew of anarchic royals who wreck the galaxy so that Princess Leia can have her fucking tiara back.

Well kids, thank you for all that but as fer yer ol' pal, Scummy, I'll take the Empire.

Ahh kiddies, after vommitting up that diatribe, Scummy's eyes are bleeding and his brain is hemmoraging.  I have to go lie down with a fifth of Jim Beam and some qualuudes. Until next time, this yer ol pal Scummy the Clown saying, "Make mine a Double!"