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Handicapping the CFA’s 2006: The Break From Hollywood

 

2005 brought us movies that were serious, politically driven, and controversial – according to those who made them, financed them, and acted in them. Then their friends all pat them on their respective backs and say, “Good job, George,” and “Well done Steve.” Well, Clowntown did not agree. In fact this is the year were we see the greatest disparity in what Hollywood liked and what Clowntown approved.  And we will say: “You are Clown , Clownboy.”

  BEST PICTURE

 Front Runners

 Wedding Crashers – Comedies never win awards in Hollywood and they never will unless they star Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt, As Good As It Gets) or Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump). Of course they’re sophisticated comedies – they teach us something about ourselves. Yet comedies like Fletch, Old School, Dodgeball, etc. never quite get the respect they deserve because they’re ho-hummed by the intellectual and pretentious critics. Wedding Crashers crashed the scene in the right year when Hollywood bombarded us with highly political, yet overwhelmingly boring, pompous films that failed to entertain.  WC’s got Clowntown favs Vince Vaughn and Christopher Walken. And it doesn’t hurt that it was hilarious. In a weak year it becomes the favorite. ODDS: 3-1.

 Cinderella Man – Well, it’s got the pedigree – perennial nominees Russell Crowe and Renee Zelwegger –  and respected Ron Howard behind the camera. It’s the closest we’ve got to a long, sweeping epic which do well with Clowntown voters. However, the film didn’t do well in the box office and despite good reviews it hasn’t done well in the awards. Of course, it’s a film that depicts a man that has character, inner strength and takes responsibility for his own actions. Crowe’s character expects no handouts and demands perfection. He is honorable and dignified – traits Hollywood doesn’t understand. ODDS: 4-1

 The Dark Horse –

 Batman Begins – Christian Bale’s turn as Batman was the darkest and best we’ve seen. Coupled with a fantastic script it was the surprise critical hit over the summer. Clowntown ain’t too proud to nominate a film about Batman for best pic. It was critically acclaimed across the board (2.25 CGA overall) and viewed by many within the Clowntown circle. Has a chance. ODDS: 6-1

 SO SORRY!! –

 The New World – Terrence Malick’s dream sequence was mesmerizing and ethereal. However, this type of filmmaking isn’t universally appealing. Hurting the film’s chances is that many won’t take in this visual stunner. A great movie, but no real chance here. ODDS 20-1

 Match point – Game, point, match. Woody Allen apparently has returned to form with a first set ace. Enough with the tennis analogies. Allen’s reputation won’t help him and Clowntown doesn’t reward people for being one-hit wonders, and really Woodrow – you’ve sucked for so long this could easily be seen as a lucky take. ODDS: 50-1

 

Left Out of the Race

 Brokeback Mountain –  Controversial theme didn’t hurt it here – it just under whelmed Clowntown. Some good performances, but taking chances doesn’t automatically get you rewarded with us.

 Walk The Line – An egregious omission. Arguably the most solid film of the year. Six nominations including Best Director, Actor and Actress yet no Best Pic? Poppycock! 

Munich – Just didn’t hit the right notes. A bit long and pedantic - ultimately just not that good. 

Good Luck, And Good Night – Flat line! CLEAR! CLEAR! Gus, we lost him…

 Crash – And burn. I’m a racist! You’re white! I’m open-minded! You’re not that bright! Shoot me.

 Capote – Ahh….I’ll just read the book. (Get here earlier! I might have liked you!)

 Star Wars III: ROTS – “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

 Dukes of Hazard – Oh wait, this movie sucked monkey balls.

 

BEST DIRECTOR

 Front Runners

 Ron Howard , Cinderella Man– A director with a wide appeal plus Russell Crowe means Howard can not be ignored as a favorite. ODDS: 3-1

 Christopher Nolan , Batman Begins -  With no nomination for the director of Wedding Crashers, Nolan moves up. His dark interpretation moved many Clowntown voters. Okay, moved may be a bit much. We liked it. ODDS: 4-1

 Dark Horse

 Woody Allen, Match Point – This little mumbler apparently put together a great little film. Allen’s past could hurt him, although Clowntown doesn’t automatically dismiss former Clownie nominees. ODDS: 6-1

 Bringing Up The Rear -

 Terrance Malick, The New World – Okay T-Mal, we’ve seen this act before. Naked natives dancing and prancing. Got anything new up there? ODDS: 10-1

 James Mangold, Walk The Line – Musical biopic’s generally get little respect in the CFA’s. Remember how Clowntown dissed Boy George: Girl You’ll Be A Woman Soon – The Movie Retrospect, starring Robert Downey, Jr. as Boy George and George Wendt as Father Mulligan? No love, no love. ODDS: 15-1

  

Best Actor –

 Front Runners

 Vince Vaughn, Wedding Crashers – The 2000’s version of Chevy Chase. Hopefully he won’t be an arrogant ass and burn bridges with moviemakers so he’ll wind up playing a math teacher in Snow Day 12: Arctic Cats To The Rescue. Clowntown fav Vaughn may be the first actor to win in a pure comedy. ODDS: 3-1 

Russell Crowe, Cinderella Man – A knock out performance – one he did not phone in. This Australian punk-ass sure is our generation’s greatest actor, with apologies to Tom Hanks. (But Tom, you’d never see Russell playing with trains in the polar ice caps). Can’t be ignored. ODDS: 3-1 

The Dark Horse

 Joaquin Phoenix, Walk The Line  – Outstanding performance as Johnny Cash in a film that was disrespected in the Best Film category. Phoenix was snubbed many years ago in Best Supporting for his work in Gladiator. He could upset here. ODDS: 6-1

 Straight to Last - 

Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain – Without a long appreciated body of work (in Clowntown’s eyes) his chances are limited. A great performance, where he didn’t always speak to be heard. The poor guy just wanted some silence and Gyllenhaal’s character kept that yap-trap of his moving. Shut up! ODDS: 12-1 

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote – Snubbed in the Supporting category a few year’s back as The Mattress Man in Punch-Drunk Love, he won’t get much love here as most of us haven’t seen the film.  ODDS: 22-

 

 Best Actress

 Front Runner

 Reese Witherspoon, Walk The Line – Baby, baby, baby. You know what June? Just let the man get drunk and leave him alone. In the film she’s Cash’s muse - Witherspoon was perfect for the role. Her singing and comic timing complemented Phoenix’s gruff demeanor. Should be an easy win. ODDS 1.5-1

 Middle of the Pack –  

Naomi Watts, King Kong – Jimmy! Will she win, Jimmy? Jimmy, get out of here! (CUE SCREAM) ODDS: 5-1

 Who? Wa'awedi? -

 Q'Orianka Kilcher, The New World – Nominee….nooji-miizhashkwe. Unknown….gaawiin awiya.  Not a chance in Hell…gaawiin gegoo ishkodekaanaabik. ODDS: 11-1. Megade 11-1.

 Get Back to Work Bitch! –

 Claire Danes, Shop Girl  - Horse face won’t win ‘cause nobody except Fred and Nicole have seen the film. ODDS:17-1 

Keira Knightley , Pride and Prejudice – Apparently back in the day all young women constantly giggled, danced, dreamed of marrying a man, and bored the fuck out of Joe. ODDS: 73.12 - 1

  

Best Supporting Actor

 The Best Guy We Could Find To Give Significant Screen Time, But Not Too Much –  

Ian McDiarmid  - STIII – ROTS – Lord Ian – rise! to the occasion.  McDiarmid turned in his finest performance in the last Star Wars. The Hollywood elite couldn’t consider nominating someone from Star Wars. I’m sure somewhere Dennis Hopper is pontificating about how amateur Star Wars is while he bones up for his follow-up role as Captain Elsworth in LAPD: To Protect and To Serve (it’s a real movie – check it out!!) ODDS: 2-1

 Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man – Not snubbed in CFA Best Actor category last year like he was in the Oscars, Giamatti ultimately lost to Jesus Christ. Who wouldn’t?  Will the Sith beat him down? ODDS: 3-1

 

 

An Average Actor We Could Give Screen Time, But Not Too Much ‘Cause His Skills Are Limited -  

 Dan Rather, A Human Being –  Obviously not human, yet his life-like appearance fools many. Could do it. ODDS: 6-1

 Jake Gyllenhaal,  Brokeback Mountain – Of the parts that I saw he was very good, but I had to look away when he pulled his pants….out of the dryer and went down…stairs to put them away in his dresser drawers. ODDS: 7-1

 Nic Cage

 Frank Langella, Good Night, & Good Luck – When I fought the powers of McCarthy I always gave away free tapioca pudding. Nice job Gus Lampo! ODDS: 15-1

 Edward Norton, Kingdom of Heaven - His mask had nothing on Silver Boy and he was creepy as the sickly leader. He gone! ODDS: 22-1

  

Best Supporting Actress

 The Best Looking Broad We Could Find That Can Read -

 Scarlett Johannson,  Match Point – Her golden globes didn’t win her the Golden Globes, but she’s a sure thing to take it home in the CFA’s. Hardly anyone has seen the movie, but she’ll still win. Ahh…Clowntown tradition! ODDS: 3-1

 Renee Zelwegger, Cinderella Man – The CFA’s Russell Crowe was fantastic across Russell Crowe in the best movie of the year. Has to be considered, but would somebody please take that lemon out of here mouth!  ODDS: 3.14 – 1

 The Best Looking Broad We Could Find That Can Read, But Is Obviously Not American 

Rachael Weisz , Constant Gardner – Won in the Golden Globes as a non-traditional liberal bee-otch who got her man in big trouble. Poster child for why women get beat. I’m going to punch you in the ovary. Right in the baby-maker. ODDS 8-1

 Go Bake a Cake, Eat It and Then Vomit As You Ain’t Gonna Win –

 Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain – Now here’s a good lil’ woman! Stayed home with the kids and cooked and cleaned. Plus she didn’t squeak when she saw her man lip-locked with his fishing partner/mountain lover. What a woman! ODDS: 27-1 

Maria Bello, A History of Violence – Maaaammma mia, meeeataballa, Mariaaaa A-Bellooooo. ODDS 29-1

 

Best Original Screenplay

 Pittsburgh Steelers –

 40 Year Old Virgin – Funny that it made little noise in the CFA’s. Hilarious and quite nostalgic. Kelly Clarkson! ODDS: 3-1

 Wedding Crashers – Comedies historically do well in this category (Team America, Old School. Petition To Love nominated but snubbed). One of these two will win. Couple ‘em, wheel ‘em. ODDS: 3-1

 

Seattle Seahwaks –

 Cinderella Man – Is this the sequel to Brokeback Mountain? Thindarella maaaan! ODDS: 7-1

 Batman Begins – How the fuck is this in the Original category? ODDS 9-1

 Joe’s Wallet After Super Bowl Sunday -

 Match Point – Who kidnapped Woody Allen and made a good film? Russian terrorists writing screenplays and submitting them under false names should be automatically disqualified. ODDS: 16-1

 Best Adapted Screenplay

 Detroit Pistons

 Walk The Line – Here’s where we say, “So sorry we fucked you over in the Best Picture category.” ODDS: 1.01-1

 San Antonio Spurs

 The Constant Gardner – Add in a one-armed man, take away dying Africans and you have the third installment of The Fugitive. (Remember US Marshalls? That’s where Tommy Lee Jones began the “I-made-my-riches-now-I’m-going-to-phone-it-in-campaign”). You find that doctor, you find that doctor, he had a mechanical pharm…aceutical’s connection. ODDS: 4-1

 Munich – Ambitious, but do we really have to have the Cumby ayah scene in every Spielberg movie? ODDS: 6-1

 New York Knicks –

 A History of Violence – One of those films that I’d have to see again. At times I really liked it, at others I thought it went right over the top. ODDS: 11-1

 Shop Girl – Written by Steve Martin. Years ago that might have meant something, but he’s turning into the white Eddie Murphy. And no, that’s not a complement. ODDS: 15-1

 

Best Score

Mozart –

 Brokeback Mountain – The best aspect of the film. Haunting, simple, and perfect. ODDS: 1.75-1

 Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith – Williams is always a contender, the second half of the film allowed the score to shine. Tough competition. ODDS: 3-1 

Segovia -

The New World – Hard to say if it deserves to win here. The original pieces were good, but overshadowed by the classical “covers”. Plus, nobody seen da film, mofo. ODDS: 8-1

Your Local Middle School Band –

King Kong – Honestly, I remember liking the score, but can’t remember any of it now. That’s not surprising considering that sometimes when I’m driving someplace I’ll have no idea where I’m going. So I park somewhere, figure out what day it is and it usually comes back to me. ODDS: 12-1

Batman Begins – See above. I think. ODDS: 13-1

 Predictions for the rest

 Music Compilation – Wedding Crashers

 Cinematography – Brokeback Mountain

Art Direction – Star Wars III  

Makeup – The New World 

Costume – Kingdom of Heaven 

Visual Effects – Batman Begins 

Sound – Batman Begins 

Casting – Wedding Crashers 

Film Editing – Cinderella Man 

 

HERE THEY COME TO RUIN THE DAY!!!

John Woo Presents….The Clownies!! (EXPLOSION)

  

WORST PICTURE 

Michael Jackson’s Infected “Nose” -  

Crash – Important film with message + everyone’s a racist + contrived script by Commie Paul Haggis + a serious Sandra Bullock + white man guilt = CLOWN. ODDS 2.5-1 

Sin City – Bruce Willis and Jessica Alba (how did she escape this year without a Clownie nod?) in a cartoonish film? Almost too easy. Nick Stahl’s performance as a turnip was so bad words truly can not describe. I felt like Elijah Wood  – I just couldn’t move and get out of the theatre.  I wish someone had chopped me up so the pain would end.  And they’re making a sequel! I can only pray to God that Nic Cage and John Travolta star. ODDS: 3-1

 Michael Jackson’s Nose –  

Rent – Three-hundred-and-sixty-five days in a yea-her! This-was-one-of-the-worst-movies-of two-thousand-and-fi-hive! Musicals suck! Stop making them – unless they star John Travolta or Nic Cage! ODDS: 6-1

 Mindhunters – Christian Slater was frozen and then he evaporates/melts away. ‘Nuff said. ODDS: 7-1

 Michael Jackson –

 The House Of D -  David Duchovney’s life story. What a joke this movie was.  Agent Mulder hates America and everything it represents. Go, please, move to France you croissant! But please, please keep making “personal” movies where famous actors play wise, all-knowing retards that refer to days as “sleeps”! (Do you have any room for Cage or Travolta?) ODDS: 13-1

 Grizzly Man – Watched it again last night on Discovery. This is the worst documentary ever, yet the accolades continue to pour in. And action: be sad. And action: be crazy. I don’t know why anyone gives two shits about this worthless Corky. This should win, but won’t. ODDS: 22-1

 

 CLOWN FILM-

 The Dead Silverfish That The Oneonta Bum Found In His Pants Pocket -

 Hostage – This over-the-top “thriller” incorporated many themes that garner Clowntention. Little boys dying, tough guy cops pointing two fingers at their eyes as to say “watch me”, crazed villains that act out solely to help move the plot so the “star” can be a hero, and Clown actors growing beards to show their range. This movie was laugh out loud funny, but it wasn’t supposed to be. ODDS: 3-1

 Sahara – “"Hello, this is the World Health Organization." + civil war boat in the middle of the Sahara desert + wind-surfing to escape said desert + Dirk Pitt + Sweet Home Alabama = Clown. ODDS 3-1.

 The Silverfish That Still Draws Blood That The Oneonta Bum Found In His Sock –  

Stealth – Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, and Paul Newman star along side a maniacal out-of-control FIGHTER PLANE! Foxx apparently paid the director to kill his character off early so he wouldn’t be forced to be on set for too long. Jessica Biel though she’d be up for an Oscar for showing her range and playing out of character.  ODDS: 7-1

 Flight Plan – Let’s be blunt – movies that take place in the air suck big time. Jodie Foster, probably the most overrated actor of our time, plays a determined mother desperate to find her daughter – on a plane! Please, if this thing starred Jean Smart it would air on the Liftetime network. Of course there is an American insider who risks all for…money! This time played by Peter Saarsgaaaaard – who should know better. ODDS: 8-1

The Blood Stains Of The Dead Silver Fish –

 The Cave – Stick a bunch of no-name actors underground with Morris Chestnut? You’re begging for a Clownie. If you just had the forethought to hire Dennis Hopper to play the grizzly veteran of spelunking you might have a chance here. If you want more laughs, check out the picture of one of the screenwriters…hmm, he’s serious – yet fun!

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/hh/0922359/HH/0922359/TeganWestJuly142004VertCrop100_9535color.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=West,%20Tegan

Odds: 22-1

 Kung Fu Hustle – Film opened with one of the best scenes I’ve ever seen on the big screen. (Eric Skeems is a performance poet), yet dwindled into Clown. Anytime you put cartoon feet and allow the character to move at cartoon-like speeds, you’re begging for a Clownie. And throw in more of that stupid “matrix” slow-mo movements that defy gravity you’re just plain Clown. WE’VE SEEN IT – IT’S NOT ENTERTAINING!! For God’s sake, Charlie’s Angels used the gimmick!! ODDS: 27-1 Ah-so!

 

WORST DIRECTOR

Face/Off II – Papa’s Got A Brand New Handbag – starring Nic Cage, Heath Ledger, and Jake Gylenhaal

 David Duchovney, House Of D – What a tough category. Worthy candidates all around. Have to give the nod to Davey DumDum. His “passion” for this piece of shit, puts him in the lead. His scenes where his little putz gets advice from a prison bitch are priceless and his usage of Robin Williams was juts plain embarrassing. David, you’ll win your Clownie in five sleeps! ODDS: 2-1

 Foreigner Herzog, Grizzly Man – (Please read this slowly using your worst, most pretentious German accent). First of all, you must consider that this was a real attempt at a documentary. This kraut unintentionally made a “mockumentary”, hence the appeal. No shots of the star dying, no audio of his girlish screams as the end came, and fake scenes makes him a viable Clown. ODDS: 5-1 

Con-Air II – The Scott Peterson Escape Story – Starring Ben Affleck and Wesley Snipes –

 Florent Elimio Siri,  Hostage – First off, he’s European. And apparently many of the actors had no idea what he was saying – it shows. Bruce Willis needs a stern hand or he’ll Nic Cage all over the screen and that he did in this piece of trash. Some classic shots of gagged family members and mouth-agape dead cops! Odds: 7-1

 Stephen Chow, Kung Fu Hustle – Another foreigner!! Kung-fu, chop-souy! Ping-pang, dung ding! Ahhh…ho soi, soy sauce! Odds: 11-1

 Snow Cops IV – Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow  - Starring Sean Penn and Bette Midler –

 Renny Harlin, Mindhunters – Whaddaya know? He’s not from America! Doom! Fantastisk! Doooom! ODDS: 19-1

 Frank Miller, Sin City – His debut as a director in a feature film – it showed. Look, guys, these “graphic novels” that you turn into movies suck, so stop, go back to your mom’s basement and pretend you’re Spiderman. ODDS: 22-1

 

Worst Actor –

 Jose Lima as a Major League Pitcher -

 Bruce Willis, Hostage – Willis has somehow escaped the condemnation over the years from Clowntown. Let’s take a look at some of his past work: Armageddon, The Fifth Element, The Jackal, Last Man Standing, Hudson Hawk, The Bonfire of The Vanities, Look Who’s Talking (and Too), and the most underrated Clown film of all time: Striking Distance. Well he won’t escape this year. He was an over-the-top Clown in this classic Clown film. Playing a hostage negotiator (!!!) who couldn’t save the day, can he redeem himself as a lowly sheriff? With his full-blown beard, intense facial reactions, his slow-mo running, and his tears he owned this film in a bad way. He’s Clown and he’s due. Give it to him. ODDS: 3-1 

John Travolta, Be Cool – Can’t count out one of the Holy Trinity of Clown. His “too cool” performance was nauseating and his dance sequence with Uma Thurman was laughable. (Does Uma Thurman remind anyone else of the trash heap that talked in Fraggle Rock?). He won’t win, because this wasn’t even close to being his best worst work, but he’s Travolting so we must consider him a favorite.  ODDS: 5-1

 Koy Detmer as a National Football League Quarterback –

 Keanu Reeves, Constintine- Another garbage graphic novel. These directors assume we have some background with this crap, but only the nerds with their dice in the front row know what the hell is going on. One thing is obvious – Reeves has about as much range as Cal Ripken, Jr’s statue has at third base. This block of wood has never won a Clownie – now that’s shocking. Is he due? Odds: 8-1

 Christian Slater, Mindhunters – Wasn’t around too long in this all-too-funny “thriller”. His reactions as he froze to death were priceless. Let’s hope we see more of him and Michael Keaton – I’d love to throw some Clownies their way.  ODDS: 11-1

 Dennis Hopper in Anything

 Josh Lucas, Stealth – Out acted by a computer in a fighter plane. He’ll be fighting Matthew McCaughneheyhey for the Paul Newman look-alike contest. Personally, I think we should do us all a favor and chop ‘em both up and serve them in some Newman’s Special Sauce. Rid us of their smiles and southern charm. Plus, when they’re on screen directors think there’s some Federal law to play “Sweet Home Alabama.” Odds 14-1

 Cole Hauser, The Cave – Who the fuck is this guy? ODDS: 22-1

  

WORST ACTRESS –

 J-Lo in Gigli -

 Tara Reid, Alone In The DarkI don’t think anyone saw this movie, but she’ll win because she’s a dirty, skanky, drunken train wreck. Too easy! ODDS: 1.25-1

 Jodie Foster, Flight Plan – Running around and putting on your most determined face does not equate to good acting. Ms. Foster has always been clown - give it to her. ODDS: 3-1

 Tata Reid in Alone In The Dark -

 Jessica Biel, Stealth – She looked as comfortable as a slow-moving fat man at a cannibal convention. Her range as an actor is amazing! ODDS: 6-1

 Rosario Dawson, Rent – Can she sing? Can she dance? Is she clown – yes. She shows up in this category every year! Why does she continually get work? ODDS: 9-1

 Robin Williams in Bird Cage

 Uma Thurman, Be Cool – More proof that Quinteon Tarrantinno (I’m spelling your name incorrectly on purpose, putz) is Clown: he thinks Uma is the most beautiful woman in the world. Yeah, she’s beautiful, if you like that “hit in the face with a bulldozer” look. As Lee Corso would say, “Uglay!” ODDS: 22-1

 Tilda Swinton, Narnia – Looked like a bad extra that couldn’t find Barter Town. “Who run Bartertown?” MASTABLASTA!! ODDS: 44-1

 

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR –

 Two Retards Humping a Door Knob –

 Robin Williams, House of D – Established actors who have won/been nominated for Academy Awards playing ‘tards is such a wonderful phenomenon. I’m going to write a screenplay of two gay retards who find love at their sheltered workshop. Alec Baldwin and Dustin Diamond will star and garner accolades. OODS: 3-1

 Burt Reynolds, The Longest Yard – You’re not a real actor. You’re a joke. Go back to Florida you swamp rat. ODDS: 4-1

 Willie Nelson, Dukes of Hazzard – Guess what? There were jokes about pot!! Shocking! The roach had more acting ability than this brain-dead loser. ODDS: 4-1

 Listen Up Crotch Stain! –

 Nick Stahl, Sin-CityEstablished actors who try something “artistic” is another wonderful phenomenon. Does Nick Stahl realize that playing a turnip isn’t artistic? ODDS: 15-1

 Willen DaFoe, XXX:SOTU – His smarmy mug might lead you to believe that he puts his “craft” ahead of the almighty dollar. Don’t be fooled – he’s as Clown as they come. Mug it up Willem!! ODDS: 21-1

 

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS –

 LAYING 17 POINTS WITH ARKANSAS ST WITH $200 ON THE LINE AND NOT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT THE TEAM EXCEPT THAT THEY PLAYED WELL ON COLLEGE FOOTBALL 2006-

 Jane Fonda, Monster-In-Law – Another film that none of us watched, yet this bitch is the favorite to win. When you’re a Commie, you’ll get nominated. Clowntown tradition! Too bad we didn’t see it, as J-Lo would have certainly procured a nomination. ODDS: 2-1

 Sandra Bullock, Crash – Hmmm…I’m a serious actress! You’re a serious Clown, too! ODDS: 4-1

 DOUBLING DOWN ON SAID GAME IN THE SECOND HALF WHEN YOU HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE SCORE OF THE GAME WAS –

 Rosario Dawson, Sin-CityRosario Dawson – enough said. ODDS: 5-1

 Erykah Badu, House of D – Her singing advice to a young Weird Al Yankovic was Clowntastic. How could he possibly hear her??!?! ODDS: 8-1

 PLAYING THE SECOND HALF OVER EVEN THOUGH THE SCORE OF THE GAME SHOWED 0-0 ON YAHOO! SPORTS AND YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG, WHEN IN FACT IT WAS RIGHT

 Tilda Swinton, Constintine – She played some sort of he/she angel/devil. It was lost on me, but I thought the character was played by Paul Reubens until I saw the credits. ODDS: 66-1

 

 TOP CLOWN –

 CRAZY PERSON FLESH BITS HANGING ON A BEAR’S TOOTH –

 Tim Treadwell, Grizzly Man – He was eaten by a bear. ODDS: 3-1

 John Travolta, Be Cool – He’s John Travolta. ODDS: 3-1

 Bruce Willis, Hostage – He grew a beard. ODDS: 3-1

CRAZY PERSON RUNNING AROUND ON A PLANE LOOKING FOR HER DAUGHTER –  

Delta Burke, Flight Plan – She was a convincing Jodie Foster. ODDS: 7-1

 Stephen Kung-Pow Chicken – Chinese New Year – The Year of the Clown. ODDS: 9-1

AMERICAN-HATING FRENCH LOVING HOLLYWOOD LOSER –

 David Duchovney, House of D- His love child project turned into a retarded janitor – he now has custody of Steve Gutenburg. ODDS: 14-1

 

WORST SCREENPLAY – PAUL HAGGIS, CRASH – He’s a pinko Commie!

WORST MUSICSahara – Really, they played Sweet Home Alabama as the stars wind-surfed out of the desert.

WORST EDITINGMindhunters – They left the parts with the actors.

WORST VISUALS Kung Fu Hustle – Fat Chinese women, ugh!