Retirement Now - by PAAAAAUL
Whether you live until age 35 or 105, life, in the grand scheme of things, is short. Today - May 29, 2006 demonstrated to me all that can be right and all that is wrong with life. First, I offer the following summary of how magnificent today was:
I woke up around 7:30 am. I first went to work out. Nothing over the top crazy but a fairly good workout. Thereafter I showered and then went out to get coffee. I then came back home, checked e-mail, fantasy baseball, sports and news generally on line. This brought me close to about 11:45 am. I then went out for lunch at Cosi at the Reston Town Center. I then came home and laid on my couch and began watching the Yankees game. It occurred to me that I was a little tired and I remembered that it was my perogative to do anything today so I decided I could take a nap. There is nothing quite like an afternoon nap. I slept for about an hour from 1:30-2:30. I was so incredibly relaxed during the nap and immediately thereafter that I cannot even come up with an adjective to truly put how relaxed I was into context. At about 3 pm, I arose from my nap/the couch, and took a walk down to the pool outside my place here. I sat on a chair and read a magazine for a while, and then took a dip in the pool which was quite refreshing on the 90 plus degree day here. That brought me to about 4:30 and then I came back to my place and checked e-mail again. I then ate some lasagna and that brings me to about where i am right now. The entire experience up to this point today has been truly sublime.
As I settle into the early evening hours now, I can't help but reflect on how amazing today was. The only thing I regret, in part, is that I indeed did not even come close to scratching the surface on embarking upon all the options that were before me today for things to occupy my time. And now - I begin to get a little depressed because I know tomorrow is coming and the dreaded and perpetually gay "W" word assoicated with tomorrow is beyond disheartening.
In sum, today absolutely confirmed that I am beyond ready to retire. The concept that one would get bored is so fundamentally gay and absurd that it is difficult to fathom that anyone could even make such a suggestion. I really, honestly and truly - from this day forward, have one and only one life goal - and that is to some how, some way, find a way to be able to live all days like this one. I think I have aid in the past that it is my goal, but I am dead serious - this is my only life goal.
|2/7/06 - Shaun Alexander - Super Bowl Loser
by Matt Minucci
On "Inside the NFL" last week, Peter King mentioned that Shaun Alexander was definitely heading for free agency this spring, adding that he could probably get $6.5 million a year from Seattle, but somebody like Arizona would probably be willing to go to $8.5 million for him. Peter thought Alexander was leaning toward taking the money, since it was his one big chance to cash in.
Allow me to interject. It's already been established that Alexander's MVP award was a joke; ask any Seahawks fan to rank the three most indispensable players for Sunday's game, and I guarantee anyone's list will look like this: (1) Walter Jones; (2) Hasselbeck; (3) Alexander. In that order. If they say differently, they're lying. Anyone with two legs, two arms and a head could run for 1,000 yards behind Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson.
So why would Alexander possibly want to leave a very good team with a great offensive line for a shaky team with a shaky offensive line? Sure, he makes extra money in the short term, but what happens 10 months from now, when he's averaging 3.3 yards per carry, fighting off the aftereffects of 20 gang-tackles a game, and dealing with the collective animosity of 25,000 pissed-off fantasy owners? He's going to be using that extra $2 million for Vicodin, booze and psychiatric care. That's what happens. Watching Alexander this week, I feel like I'm watching David Caruso during those last few episodes before he left "NYPD Blue" to make "Jade." I hope he reconsiders.
But to you sir, I say, "Sell Mortimer! Sell!!!!!!"
2/2/06 - Why I hate elmo - by Scummy the clown
12/30/05 - Year in Review - Ten
Points of Clown
12/8/05 - Scummy The Clown Goes Off On Star Wars - The Rebels were the BAD GUYS!
Scientists Ought to be in Hall of Crowns
I would like to nominate Galileo, Copernicus, and B.F. Skinner for induction into the Hall of Crowns. I saw recent inductee Charles Darwin and was very happy. You see, these four individuals are my scientific heroes.
Galileo and Copernicus because they had the balls to propose the heliocentric model of the solar system as a replacement for the geocentric model. This was the first huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.
Darwin because he had the balls to propose evolution by natural selection as a means by which to account for the diversity of life on the planet as a replacement for creationism. This was the second huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.
Skinner because he had the balls to propose that human behavior is a function of both present and historical contingencies of reinforcement as a replacement for the self-initiating homunculus (i.e., little man inside the man). This was the third huge step in removing humans from their self-anointed place of importance in the universe.
Tony Clownirelli, June 2, 2003
Editor's Note: Measure approved for Galileo and Copernicus... and "yeah, what he said."
|December 10, 2002|
|Nature and Violence To The Hall of Crowns|
|by Sonn Dogg|
| Here is the official vote by
Justin "Sonn Dogg" Harper for the December 2002 edition of the Hall of
Crowns. He managed to squeeze in eleven votes. But we will forgive him his
error due to the witty, hilarious and original presentation:
-John M. Browning, who revolutionized the design of firearms with innovation, foresight, and an appreciation for perfection which continues strongly even today.
-The Dali Llama, his ultimate cool(headed)ness, be good to
everyone, posess nothing material, give away anger, and revel in the success
and good fortune of brethren, and sistren(?).
|Expansion Bad And Bones
You know (a Richie saying), why the hell did baseball
expand back in 1993?
|Loretta Not That Bad|
|In the Brewer's defense - Loretta was reinked for many reasons. Valuable defensive player. He gives you a strat like 2/3 rating at all infield positions. He hit .316 in '98 and .290 in '99 with 170 hits. It looked like he would be a replacement for the traded Cirillo, who was the best player the Brewers had. The Brewers did not want to make the same mistake twice. So keeping Loretta was a priority. At the time they had zero reliable infielders left. Jose Valentin was the best one they had. Belliard, Houston, Hernandez (who aren't that great) were not starters or Brewers at that point.||
Loretta: Not Clown
|Loretta since '99 has been set back by two serious injuries (busted thumb and broken fibula) Injuries that do not heal quickly. Now, he languishes on the bench thanks to Davey Lopes the Supreme Idiota. I think Loretta sits because he's white. Really, I do. The others are serious wastes of money, but here are some other great names the Brewers have wasted money on: SP: Jaime Navarro, Ben McDonald, 1b: Franklin Stubbs, Dave Parker (although he was great for one year) 2b: Eric Young ss: Jose Hernandez (too early to tell) 3b: Sean Berry OF:Kevin Reimer OF: Jeff Hammonds OF: Marquis Grisson rP: Leskanic. What a group of scrubs. Now, here's the list of players that were too expensive to keep. (ie, players you want to have if you want to win) c: BJ Surhoff 1b: ?? John Jaha (only one good year after Milwaukee) 2b: Fernando Vina ss: Jose Valentin 3b: Jeff Cirillo of: Gary Sheffield of: Gregg Vaughn of: Jeromy Burnitz sp: Jeff D'Amico sp: Hideo Nomo rp: Dan Plesac there are more, just can't think of them all. Clowntown.|
|Minister G's Mock 2002 NFL Draft|
|The greatest day of the calendar year has
nearly arrived. It's time for the
2002 NFL Draft. This week millions of draftniks, like yours truly, realize
they have too much time on their hands as they try to predict the first
round. I offer no gurantees. The draft is just too complicated, but always
remember one thing: Just because I was wrong doesn't mean I wasn't right.
1. Houston - David Carr, QB, Fresno St.
2. Carolina - Julius Peppers, DE, North Carolina
-Could go Jammer but doubtful
3. Detroit - Quentin Jammer, CB, Texas
-Could trade or take Harrington as well
4. Buffalo - Ryan Sims, DT, North Carolina
-Everyone else say Mike Willaims OT. Oh well.
5. San Diego - Mike Williams, OT, Texas
-If off the board, possibly WR Donte Stallworth
6. Dallas - Roy Williams, S, Oklahoma
-A 5-11 team can never have too much defense
7. Minnesota - Bryant McKinnie, OT, Miami
-A steal at this point.
8. Kansas City - Joey Harrington, QB, Oregon
-Could be Stallworth or a DT as well. Could also trade out of the spot.
9. Jacksonville - Albert Haynesworth, DT, Tenn.
10. Cincinnati - Wendell Bryant, DT, Wisconsin
-Would love for Harrington to fall. CB Buchanon is tempting too.
11. Indianapolis - John Henderson, DT, Tenn.
-If healthy, Henderson could be a steal for defense starved Colts.
12. Arizona - Charles Grant, DE, Georgia
-Grant's stock is rising, and the Cards need defense in the worst way.
13. New Orleans - Philip Buchanon, CB, Miami
-A tough call between Buchanon and Stallworth
14. Tennessee - Donte Stallworth, WR, Tenn.
-Titans shocked he lasted this long.
15. N.Y. Giants - Jeremy Shockey, TE, Miami
-The one pick every draftnik agrees upon...it'll never happen.
16. Atlanta - Ashley Lelie, WR, Hawaii
-Falcons crave speed
17. Cleveland - T.J. Duckett, RB, Mich. St.
-See Shockey commentary.
18. Washington - Jabar Gaffney, WR, Florida
- Another one of Spurrier's boys. Could also trade up or down.
19. Denver - Napoleon Harris
20. Seattle - Kalimba Edwards, DE, South Carolina
- Colorado TE Daniel Graham a real possibility as well.
21. Oakland - Eddie Freeman, DT, UAB
-A little bit of a surprise, but it's the Raiders.
22. N.Y. Jets - Lito Sheppard, CB, Florida
23. Oakland - Antonio Bryant, WR, Pitt
-Raiders are a perfect fit for the troubled Bryant.
24. Baltimore - Levi Jones, OT, Arizona St.
25. New Orleans - Daniel Graham, TE, Colorado
-Would love a reciever if one of the top three fall
26. Philadelphia - William Green, RB, Boston College
-A home run hitter for the stagnant Eagles offense.
27. San Francisco - Javon Walker, WR, Florida St.
-Terrell Owens is not earning brownie points by the bay.
28. Green Bay - Anthony Weaver, DT, Notre Dame
- Miami's Ed Reed is also a possibility.
29. Chicago - Dwight Freeney, DE, Syracuse
-Everyone says it's true. Who am I to disagree?
30. Pittsburgh - Ed Reed, S, Miami
-Another steal this late in the first round.
31. St. Louis - Andre Gurode, G, Colorado
-Maybe the meanest lineman in the draft.
32. New England - Bryan Thomas, DE, UAB
-Did you really think Belichick would draft offense?